The holidays can be a time for warmth, family, joy, traditions, cheer, laughter, giving thanks, and so much more. For some, the holidays can also be a time for stress, anger, anxiety, grief, frustration, sadness, interacting with people that do not get along well, dealing with focused shoppers, increased traffic, and last minute planning or obstacles.

 

So how does one navigate the misfortunes of the holiday season? Here are some key tips to practice and remember: Stay Calm, Stay Attentive, Stay Connected, Focus on Yourself, Lower Expectations, Stay Mindful, and Love Fully.

 

How can you do this?

 

Stay Calm

One of the best things you can do is not escalate a touchy subject or feed negativity. Keep in mind that there is a tennis net between you and another person. Many people hit tennis balls (think – emotional daggers) over the net toward the other person. These are intended to make one’s self feel better and hurt another person. What if you didn’t? What if you both stood on either side of the net keeping what’s yours on your side? Remember that all of the feelings, emotions, words, actions, and behaviors of each person belong to that person. When you are aware of what belongs to the other person, it is easier to stay calm and not own what is going on for the other person, while still being there with and for them.

 

Stay Attentive

Listen to the other person with your full attention. When one is distracted, it can send a message that they are not worth your time and it does not allow you to be present with the person who is talking. What if instead of being annoyed that someone is taking your attention off of something else, you gave that person your attention? When a person feels like a need is taken care of, they are less likely to seek that need in a “louder” way. Staying fully present…responding to what the person is saying, reflecting back what the person is saying, keeping the focus on their experience…allows the person to feel heard, understood, connected, and less likely to engage in negative attention seeking that can feed an argument later.

 

Stay Connected

If I’m staying attentive while a person talks to me, isn’t that enough? It can be. What if though…what if you stayed connected instead of going back into the distraction that something like a cell phone can bring? If you are bored and in need of an activity, suggest a game or activity that everyone knows or teach a new one, engage someone in conversation and ask about their experiences (staying attentive), offer to help with preparation, and remember you’re not just there for no reason.

 

Focus on Yourself

How is this helpful? When you predict a possible response could come from a place that is anxiety-provoking, anger-provoking, or the like, it is helpful for the other person to not feel upset if you talk about yourself. We call this using “I” Statements. Use the word “I” instead of “you”, talk about your feelings, and provide an explanation of these feelings. When a certain topic or person can provoke anxiety or anger, it is helpful to stay focused on yourself instead of allowing your responses to become defensive or attacking. Remember to “Stay Calm”. Talking about yourself and providing an explanation for your feelings and emotions allows others to understand you more and feel more connected with you.

 

Examples:

• Format = I feel ______ when ______ because ________.
• I feel uncomfortable when talking about my job because I am afraid of being judged for not being where I feel expected that I “should” be.
• I feel stressed because there is a lot to do and I do not feel ready with this meal.
• I feel nervous when feeling challenged on a decision that I made because I feel that it is my decision to make and am not feeling respected for the decision I made.
• I feel less important when I am interrupted because it seems like what I have to say does not matter.

 

Talking about yourself takes the focus off the other person and lets them know that you are not attacking them as a person. If the person responds in an attacking or defensive manner, remember to “Stay Calm” and continue talking about yourself. Eventually the other person will understand you and understand that this is not about them or about how you perceive them.

 

Lower Expectations

Going into a holiday get together with expectations about how you would ideally like it to play out is both setting yourself up for disappointment and can put you on the defensive really fast. And remember to “Stay Calm”.

 

Examples: 

• If you know someone is going to ask a lot of questions about what you have been up to, don’t let it catch you off guard and be ready to answer them. Keep in mind that getting together with people that you don’t normally interact with may have difficulty finding in something to talk to you about, so they ask you questions about what you have been up to in order to have something to talk to you about.
• If there is a person who will interrupt you while you are talking, prepare yourself for the possibility that it may take you longer to tell your story than you would like.
• If someone usually stresses over little things, prepare yourself for the possibility of this happening again and allow yourself to offer support and help.
• If there is someone who usually annoys or irritates you, prepare yourself that this is a possibility, and give them permission to be themselves without making it about you. This will take a lot of pressure off yourself to feel like you have to just put up with it or do something about it. “Stay Calm” and be aware that it is who they are and they are still a person that matters and makes sense.

 

Stay Mindful

Check in with yourself occasionally about what your body is doing, what you are thinking, and what you are feeling inside. Be aware of yourself throughout the interactions; work on staying calm, present, and attentive. Be aware of yourself by taking a bathroom break to catch some air and breathe if something is getting to you (additionally check in with yourself and figure out what is going on for you and how you can reframe your perception). Checking in with yourself will allow you to be aware of what is going on for you so that you can be more connected with those around you.

 

Love Fully

Remember that you are getting together with these people for a reason. You are building relationships that can support you when you need it. You are building connections with people that can last. Allow your heart to love and your mind to care. Go into the experience knowing that everyone is who they are and so are you and you are going to enjoy the experience because you deserve to. Remember that these people that you are getting together with are important and matter as much as you do. Give others the space to be them and give yourself the space to be you.

 

If family or holiday get-togethers seem like a lot of work, it may be because there is a lot of effort going into trying to make it a perfect get-together. When we expend our energy trying to change how people interact with us, or have high or ideal expectations that aren’t being met, or are working harder than someone else to maintain a relationship, then maybe alternative means of interaction are the answer. If you only get-together with these people around the holidays, then be okay with that and look forward to everyone being who they are in a place where you also have the opportunity to be yourself. It’s okay not to be guarded or protective. It’s okay to just be you.

About the Author: 

Christopher Kelm, LMFT

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #110568