There are several keys to keeping relationships alive and vibrant. One such key is to invest into those relationships with one’s intimate partner, one’s family, and one’s friends. Small but consistent investments can help build connection into a community of support. Another key is to create and celebrate meaningful traditions. Additionally, both fulfill a need, whether conscious or unconscious, for connection and support.

Every person is different due to each person’s individual experiences and their reactions to those experiences. Due to this, each person has a unique set of inherent needs. It is helpful to be aware of what these needs are and learn to meet and express these needs in an assertive manner. Inherent needs may look like security and safety, comfort, support, connection, and reliability.

Meeting these inherent needs for connection and support are important foundations for a happier life. Through building a community of support through the establishment of relationships and traditions, one can see the resulting rewards and benefits.

Awareness…Those who are aware of this deep inherent need for connection and support – surround themselves with people, partake in traditions, and invest in their surrounding relationships. Those who are not aware of this inherent need may still do these things but not understand their importance. The misunderstanding of the importance of these can lead to taking people, traditions, and relationships for granted. This, in turn, is not helpful when it comes to needing a community to be in place for the fulfillment of support to occur. There is the third group of people who regardless of their awareness of this need are unable to fulfill the needs due to past trauma that results in mood or anxiety disorders.

The Good…The good part of bringing awareness of these inherent needs, is that one can take steps toward fulfilling these needs.

The Bad…The bad part is that if these needs are not fulfilled, then loneliness, emptiness, depression and isolation could set in.

The Ugly…Some people feel this emptiness and try to fill it with unhealthy options such as drinking, drugs, intimate emotionless connections, partying/clubbing, overworking, zoning out, experiences that produce high levels of adrenaline or serotonin that could interfere with normal body functioning, and the list goes on.

Okay, so awareness is the first step, then what? Are mood, anxiety, or other disorders present? Are unhealthy patterns of behavior being engaged in? Are attempts to alleviate discomfort or emptiness not working? Are any of these interfering with building nurturing relationships? If yes to any of these, then it is suggested that counseling be sought to assist in these areas.

After awareness of these inherent needs, one may look at any behaviors on his or her own part that are contributing to the inability to invest in nurturing relationships, create traditions, and build a community of support.

How does one nurture and invest in a relationship? Talking is a great place to start (meeting up in person, sending an e-mail, social media and networking interaction, making a phone call, sending a text message, writing a letter). Frequent and healthy interaction improves relationships over time.

Dr. Stephen Covey, Dr. John Gottman, and Dr. Willard Harley all promote an Emotional or Love Bank Account. The idea is that you make positive investments or negative withdrawals during your interactions with a person. This concept can be expanded to include intimate partner relationships, family relationships, friend relationships, co-worker relationships, and acquaintance relationships.

The important thing to remember is that investments are generally smaller than withdrawals. An encouraging note, a kind word, a check-in text message, giving a gift, helping in a time of need, etcetera… elicit positive feelings within the targeted person…all contribute to positive investments within any type of relationship. An argument, yelling, a defensive stance, criticism, shutting down, etcetera…elicit negative feelings within the targeted person…all contribute to a large negative withdrawal within any type of relationship.

How come it is important to invest in relationships? Part of building a community of connection and support is honoring one’s relationships within his or her life. If there is a time of need or a time of despair, these people can be called upon to provide emotional or physical support. Without investment, there are no incentives for those other persons to make positive investments within their relationships with you.

In addition to the benefits of support, investing in relationships can also provide help over any daily hurdles. If there are no hurdles, then they can provide a boost of positive energy because a person feels more connected. Without investment on both sides, the relationship will not thrive and provide the positive benefits and rewards to each person’s life.

It’s not about being nice to people so that they are nice to you in return and then you don’t have to feel lonely. It is about investing in meaningful relationships because they are important and through doing so gaining feelings of connection and support and comfort through those inherent needs being fulfilled.

What else can a community offer? A community of people that surround a person or relationship can offer encouragement, connectedness, support, and positive energy. Surrounding one’s self and relationship with people that contribute to it in a positive manner is important for each person and relationship to thrive. Through this community, different experiences can be seen and appreciated.

Within intimate partner relationships, Dr. Robert Doherty talks about the importance of creating a community of support that includes family, friends, religious leaders, counselors, etc, that support the marriage and encourage the marriage.

In this same manner, surrounding one’s self with a community of support that offers encouragement, help, and support in times of need, and a community of support that offers quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, gifts, and physical touch that speak to the love languages, as put forth by Dr. Gary Chapman, that are inherent within each person.

Okay, so how do traditions fit into the mix? Established traditions help bring the community of support together. These traditions could be holiday get-togethers that include more than just zoning out to the television with a big plate of food. Food, healthy conversation, positive interaction, and activities within these holiday get-togethers create positive energy within the community that enhance the desire to be a part of the community. These enhance the mutual benefits received and given by each member of the community.

Traditions can be more than just get-togethers around the holidays. They can include activities related to the time of year. Examples may include a trip (snow, mountains, river, lake, ocean, beach, pier, major city, sporting event, concert, theme park, etc), finding something to do around town (bowling, pool, local music artist, sporting event, shopping, restaurants, nature trails, parks, fishing, local community event such as a farmer’s market, parade, craft fair, county fair, etc). In many bigger cities, there are usually more things to do than people realize and find out about. Seek these out and start traditions within your community of support.

Traditions support familiarity, stability, reliability, connection, dependability, and shared interests. Investing into relationships within your community of support through traditions create a firm foundation for the relationships and community to stand on. Positive interactions result in more positive feelings and a greater happiness through the fulfillment of the inherent needs of connection and support.

What if people create negative feelings within me or I don’t feel able to make connections and establish relationships for my community of support? What if I fear interaction with others due to feared judgment, embarrassment, humiliation, harm, criticism, blame, shame, invisibility, not being heard, not being accepted, or the like? Professional help can be sought through counselors to help alleviate the discomfort, over time, and to aid in the building of a community of support through nurturing relationships that provide comfort, connection, and support. After working through these hurdles, tools can be offered and taught to establish emotional relationships and shared connections.

Building of a community of support takes continuous effort, investment, and time. When a healthy community of support is established, the rewards and benefits are great.