After losing a loved one, holidays are often not as simple as fireworks for the Fourth of July; Apple Cider Toasts to ring in the New Year’s; Christmas lights for Christmas; or feasts on Thanksgiving.  Holidays can also be a reminder of what we have lost and the changes we have experienced.  With the Easter holiday coming, many of us begin to dread the holidays due to the grief that we experience.  This grief can be due to a death, a recent breakup, a custody exchange, or many other reasons.  So, before you head to grandma’s for your Easter brunch (or to wherever your Easter plans may bring you), remember that there are things we can do to help ourselves feel ready to tackle our strong and complicated emotions when it comes to grief and loss this Easter holiday. 

Here are four ways we can handle even the toughest of emotions this Easter season:

1)   Set Personal Boundaries

It is ok to say “no” to an invite.  Choose yourself by setting your own boundaries and deciding what works for you.  You do not have to allow the pressure of the Easter holiday to get to you.  Holidays are a time for family, and Easter is no different.  Therefore, remember that it is okay to commit to something that seems enjoyable, go for thirty minutes, and decide what to do from there.  Ask yourself: “What do I want?” and “How do I feel?”  Stick with that.  If you are having fun, allow yourself to enjoy it.  If you are miserable, politely excuse yourself and leave.  You do not have to please anyone other than yourself.  Do not push yourself or expect yourself to be happy the entire day.  It won’t work.  Instead, many of us will find ourselves pushing too hard, too fast, and not be happy.  Remember that happiness and peace are your choice.  You are choosing yourself by sticking up for your boundaries.

2)   Plan Ahead

Ask yourself if what you want to do is attainable.  Choosing attainability is something that allows us to think ahead and plan for success.  Simple things like setting time in your day for you to process how you are feeling or even breaking your day down into smaller fragments will help.  Thinking ahead and planning your day ahead of time will also help.  Give yourself the talk about how the Easter holiday should work ahead of time so that you can begin your mental preparation now.  By doing this, you will certainly be able to limit what you have on your plate.  When we have too much on our plate, we often struggle to focus on any one thing.  While tuning things out may sound great for this Easter holiday, it is important to face things head-on so that we don’t have to struggle with intense foreboding every time Easter comes around on our calendar. 

3)   Honor the past while creating the present.

When you think about the Easter holiday, what is something that jumps into your mind?  Is it the coconut bunny cake with the red-hot candy eyes?  Is it the floral dress grandma always bought each of her granddaughters?  Is it your family circling the brunch table?  Knowing what was most enjoyable and recreating that for you is truly an ode to those who are no longer with us.  Memories are a way to bring the past to the present; however, creating new traditions can also be a healing tactic for those who are grieving.  It is important to make new memories and offer solid foundations for those who are still with you.  An example could be that the floral Easter dresses are still bought but we allow each of the girls in the family to now choose their floral dress because grandma can no longer choose them for us.  Another idea could be that instead of grandma always making the bunny cake, we take turns with which aunt is making the bunny cake each year.  Remember, your loved one will want you to enjoy this holiday, just like you did when they were around. 

4)   Do things that make you happy!

Consider making a list of the coping skills that work for you immediately.  Ask yourself what works for you and just start brainstorming ideas.  Remember that coping skills are those little things that really help you deal with stressful situations in your life and will eventually help you create a balance between your emotional, physical, and spiritual needs.  Some examples of coping skills can include taking a walk, listening to your favorite song on repeat, attending a yoga class, or even drinking a cup of herbal tea.  It is important to remember that we need to focus on healthy and positive coping skills.  So, things like binge-watching Netflix and isolation may be things that get us through the holiday, but they are not healthy for us and don’t produce positive results.  Our coping skills work because they work for us individually.  Having a list of positive coping skills that work for you can be a lifesaver when the grief hits you out of nowhere.  So, remember that making you happy is your key to successfully handling your grief over the Easter holiday.

The truth is that Easter, as well as other holidays, is not always as joyous as we would like for it to be, especially after the loss of a loved one or an unexpected change in our lives.  It is normal to feel a gamete of emotions whether we are dealing with grief surrounding the holidays or not.  If you are happy this Easter season, let these emotions fill you.  If you are sad this Easter season, honor these emotions and let yourself move through them.  Be kind to you.  Honor you.  Love you.  You are in the driver’s seat.  However, if you feel like you are struggling more than you’d like, there are trained counselors/therapists here at Fresno Family Therapy who can help get you through this.

About the Author: 

Tammie Makely, LMFT

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #113186