Stress and conflict with our partners can feel ten times larger this time of year.  Maybe you don’t like how much money your partner devotes to buying your family presents; maybe we don’t like your Uncle Ted who always wants to give us a kiss each time he sees us; maybe we are looking for the “perfect”, and very unattainable, holiday experience; maybe we don’t have time to make sweets at home and feel bad going to the local Smith’s store; maybe we can forecast tension between us and our loved ones; maybe we’ve lost someone recently or around the holidays or wish things were happening in a different manner.  No matter the issues, it is important for us to realize the common feelings of being overwhelmed and disconnected throughout the holiday season. 

 

In fact, according to the American Psychological Association, “While nearly half of U.S. adults (49%) would describe their stress levels during the traditional U.S. holiday season between November and January as “moderate,” around two in five (41%) said their stress increases during this time compared with other points in the year. While stress appears to be common at this time of year, 43% said that the stress of the holidays interferes with their ability to enjoy them and 36% said the holidays feel like a competition.”  As a therapist, I have learned to no longer ask “if” I will be stressed around the holidays but “what” will be causing me stress.  This is because I know how we navigate conflict with our partner and children year-round will work to validate my experience, their experiences, and the quality of our relationships. 

 

Planning is an important part of life.  It is important for us to identify what will be causing us the most stress this time of year and brainstorming ways that we can plan to de-stress ourselves prior to our forecasted situations ever arising.  So, let’s ask ourselves the question that I have been asking myself for years now: “What will be causing me the most stress?”  Will it be the cleaning?  The prep?  The decorating?  The budget?  The fact that I just can’t afford what I did last year?  The unmet expectations that I have with my partner and children?  Whatever it is, it is important to formulate a plan that we can use when it really matters. 

 

I tell my clients, children, and yes, even myself, that having a plan is bound to limit the number of times our stress grows into an outburst.  The reason for this is simple:  it allows us to feel like we are in control, our thoughts are clear, and we know what to do even in the most stressful of situations.  Project Management for Parents, which is a site that is devoted to finding ways to manage stress for parents, states that the “less we know about something, the more worry it can cause.  The benefit of planning is that it breaks down a larger task into smaller actionable steps that provide a clearer path towards completion.” This is because the more work we do ahead of time, the less we must ultimately do in the moment.  The holidays should be no different.

 

Let’s say our biggest fear is getting into another disagreement with our mom that will undoubtedly leave you feeling alone and overwhelmed.  What do we do?  We must have a plan for these very moments.  Ask yourself:  what do me and my mom usually argue about?  How do me and my mom recover from a disagreement?  How do we get back in sync with one another?  What do I want this to look like?  By not having a plan for situations such as this, we are accepting our own defeat. 

 

The simple truth is that “what happens in the dark will always come to light;” therefore, there is only so much we can shove down before we have a reaction that may not be the most favorable of all our reactions.  So, if you don’t want to fight with your mom, bite your partner’s head off, or even unleash the entirety of rage that you have held all year, you must make a plan of validation for yourself.  Validation is defined by the Merriam-Webster Dictionary as “the act of validating oneself; the act of supporting or corroborating on a sound or authoritative basis.”  This means that to feel validated, we must reach inward and create a plan of success by forecasting what could go wrong and creating actionable steps of things to go right.  This is because, again, if you don’t want to express it negatively, you must express it positively.  Having a plan that you have crafted ahead of time will limit the frustrations we experience in the moment and therefore create a positive interaction. 

 

There are many types of people.  And with each type of person comes a wide variety of arguing.  In the article entitled: “Knowing your partner’s ‘Argument Style’ can be a relationship game changer” Sadhbh O’Sullivan points out that the different argument styles are considered ‘conflict management’.  There are four main types of conflict management, which include:

1)    Attacking

This is thought to be a conflict-prone type of argument style.  It centers around negative feelings and works to show what others are doing wrong.  This is when we play the Toby Keith song of ‘I wanna talk about me’ where a person is very frustrated with their inability to talk with their partner about anything except them.  He sings of “you, you, you.”  So instead of using the age-old “I” statements, this is where the person points out where their partner is messing up. While this is an easy way for us to point out the wrongs in our partner, we are surely not working to show our partner what we desire of them.  Instead of using the tactic of attack, try using “I” statements instead.  “I feel so unseen when you forget to introduce me to your co-workers” is certainly more helpful than “You never think I’m good enough to be introduced.”  The accusations of “you” lead to our conversations becoming more easily heated and more arguments ensue.

 

2)    Defensive

Being defensive means that we are always trying to defend ourselves.  I remember the first holidays I shared with my new daughter-in-law.  Let me start by telling you how much I love her… now.  But my son worked very hard to defend her from people that only wanted her to join in our family.  By my son always racing to defend her, no matter how small the issue was, it left everyone fearing interaction with her.  I mean, just read below to learn about what the Gottman Institute believes about the defensive stance.  Something as simple as me asking “whose plate is this?” used to turn into my son rushing to defend rather than just taking up the lead and fixing the situation.  Resolutions quickly became key.  I had to have the talk about how much we wanted her in our family so that we could, again, begin working as a family.  Being defensive closes a conversation; whereas using active listening, empathy, and non-judgmental tones allows us to acknowledge our feelings in the moment and respond in a clam manner, which ultimately shows how we are taking responsibility of the situation.  Again, “whose plate is this?” can be answered with “I was meaning to grab this”; however, in defensiveness we are saying something more along the lines of “You never give me enough time to handle things; we’re trying; why can’t you?”

 

3)    Withdrawing

Feeling seen, heard, and understood is what leads us to feeling, ultimately, validated.  Being withdrawn from the situation that we are struggling with is often the exact opposite of feeling validated.  This is because if one person shuts down, the other person often pushes forward.  If you are an avoider, you will often choose to withdraw thinking that you are helping the argument end.  However, the opposite is usually what happens here.  If you are a people pleaser, the same arises in that you will sit on the fence hoping that someone will make the decision for you on how you should feel.  This never works out quite right in the end because you will often argue in an effort to keep the peace.  Still, any form of argument will close this person down because the people pleaser rarely shares how they feel, seldomly tries to get their point across, and often harbors resentment.  Further, while Gottman (please see below) labels this ‘Stonewalling’, the idea here is that one person is forced to push for more, the more their partner closes down.

 

4)    Open

The fourth and final way that Conflict Management can be resolved is through “open” communication and active communication.  This is where the person is able to make their point without blame nor passivity and sticks to facts and their personal feelings.  This is where both people choose to talk, share, and communicate what is important to them.  They view themselves as part of a team who are working to fix a problem rather than two people who are trying to choose a right way of handling a problem.  Remember to focus on listening to your partner, use the appropriate body language, and clarify in-the-moment if you have any questions.  This ‘open’ type allows both people to feel heard because they are, in fact, being listened to.

 

Now, there is certainly a difference between positive and negative connection.  A “positive connection” refers to an interaction between two people that is not only supportive but also uplifting; whereas a “negative connection” describes an interaction that is draining and exhausting for the people involved.  In order to have a healthy relationship with your partner, and others, it is vital to build positive connections.  We build positive connections by fostering vulnerability, experiencing healthy communication, practicing empathy, embracing connection, and remaining present with those we want to have a relationship with.  This can be like in the situation already rehearsed previously with our mom or even with our partner. 

 

According to researchers at the University of Illinois, “how you express your emotions can reduce or increase anxiety.”  Therefore, we must plan for success by planning for expression.  We cannot merely expect our loved ones to guess what is going on inside of our minds.  We must plan out ways to talk to our loved ones if something comes up.  If we decided to make a plan, we would see that we can be in charge of even the negative moments that can occur in our life, and around the holidays.  Remember that the goal is to create connection with our partners and our family in a healthy manner.  The Gottman Institute uses the metaphor of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” to describe the ways people communicate with one another.  We can use these four horsemen to forecast how people will handle different situations and then plan for success with our responses. 

 

Four Horsemen:

1)    Criticism:  The first horsemen is criticism.  It is important to remember that with criticism, we are not talking about a complaint we have but rather we are using criticism to state our opinion in a way that is hurtful to our partner, or anyone we are communicating with.  An example of the difference between criticism and complaining could happen could occur in the example of our partner is running late because of traffic to our house as we leave for our work Christmas party.  Us complaining would be “I was so scared when you didn’t let me know you were running late;” whereas a criticism (again, the first horsemen) could be “you are always late and never think about me.  You’re so rude and selfish.  You just think about you.”  Remember that the problem with criticism is that it often leads to harsher horsemen to follow.  Instead of leading with criticism, try sharing how you are feeling.  Are you angry? Sad? Hurt? Talk about it. 

 

2)    Contempt: Contempt is the second of the four horsemen.  This is when we are really mean to someone else and often treat the person we are talking to with rudeness, disrespect, and negativity.  Maybe we roll our eyes when our mother is talking to us.  Perhaps we are call our partner out of their name.  No matter the reason, it is not okay to make people around us feel like they are beneath us.  In fact, Ellie Lisitsa, in her article entitled: “The Four Horsemen” explains that “contempt goes far beyond criticism.  While criticism attacks your partner’s character, contempt assumes a position of moral superiority over them.”  Remember that the problem with contempt is that it leaves an imbalance between the person you are talking to.  Instead of leading with contempt, ask yourself:  “What is something we can do to feel closer and more vulnerable with one another?”

 

3)    Defensiveness:  Defensiveness is the third horsemen in the Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse metaphor.  The use of defensiveness is seen by the typical response to criticism.  Remember that while we have all have times where we are defensive, this is when we feel less-than and feel a need to find excuses for what our partner (or anyone really) is trying to talk to us about.  Let’s go with the example of us needing a babysitter for our New Year’s Eve event.  Perhaps your husband questions: “did you call dad to let him know that we need him to come an hour earlier than what we had originally discussed?”  The response of “I was too damn busy.  You can’t assume that I just do everything; you can help around here too” is one that is defensive in nature.  Although it’s natural for us to try to defend ourselves, the horsemen of “defensiveness” will not protect us and only leaves our partner feeling like we are now blaming them.  Instead of being defensiveness, take accountability and brainstorm ways to handle the situation differently in the future.

 

4)    Stonewalling:  Stonewalling is the fourth horsemen.  Stonewalling, according to the Gottman Institute, is seen as a response to contempt and occurs when the person we are talking to shuts down, closes off, and, simply, chooses to not respond.  The problem with stonewalling is that once it stops, it is not easy to get it to stop.  As a result of being flooded, our partner (or whomever we are talking to) withdraws.  Instead of stonewalling, ask for a break.  Press the pause button!  But remember to return from the pause and try again.

 

Planning for successful exchanges with our partners, as well as other people in our life, affords us the opportunity to commit to one another rather than pushing our partner away.  We commit through a shared desire to experience validation and vulnerability with one another.  Validation and vulnerability are important aspects of any relationship because they not only allow us the opportunity of feeling seen and heard but they also afford us the chance of being truly understood.  When both people, in a stressful situation, feel validated, they are more likely to have positive communication and a higher esteem for one another.  Validation is a two-way street.  This is because we must talk about our feelings and hear our partners feelings as well.  We must share; we must experience.  Validation doesn’t mean you agree with everything your partner is saying but rather that you understand what your partner is trying to convey.  It is the understanding that we gain from our partner’s experiences combined with ours that make our experiences in the relationship more validating, vulnerable, and worth-while. 

 

The truth of the matter is that there is no one way to argue.  We see that with the idea of ‘Conflict Management’ as well as through the Gottman Institute’s ‘Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’.  Still, no matter what the reason for the argument or how you are choosing to prove your way is the “correct” choice, it is important for us to view our partner as our teammate.  Notice what is happening in your body when the argument/disagreement is happening and ask yourself “what am I trying to say here?”  The ultimate goal of any argument is to feel heard, seen, and understood.  If you are not getting that, it is important for us all to press the pause button and come back to the issue later. 

 

Keep in mind that no one can control everything but having the tools that we need to feel in control, validated, and understood can undoubtedly help.  The holidays bring a lot of stress no matter which part you are playing in the preparation, so, be ready; have your plans; set your time limits; and remember why the holidays are important.  If you or someone you know is struggling to have positive connection and feel validated this holiday season, please know that Fresno Family Therapy is here to help!  Please call or text us today to make an appointment.

About the Author: 

Tammie Makely, LMFT

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #113186