Retroactive Jealousy, often referred to as “RJ” to those who experience it, involves having an unhealthy fixation on the way that their partner lived their life before meeting them. It can involve thinking about the people our partner has spent time with; dwelling on our partner’s previous sexual partners; or even the places our partner has frequented. Retroactive Jealousy is different from that of Jealousy in that Retroactive Jealousy forces the person to feel preoccupied with what happened in their partner’s life previously whereas jealousy presents the moment the person feels like they have encountered any of the roles that Post Malone does well at describing.
Have you ever been jealous? Have you ever felt overlooked, skipped, or even misplaced in your life? Post Malone does a great job at explaining how many of us feel about our lives in his song “Losers” as it says “This one’s for the losers; The outcasts and the sinners; The ain’t-never-been-no-winners. Let’s hear it for the losers; Ain’t got nowhere to fit in there’s a place you can always get in.” The literal chorus suggests that we have all felt this way; however, if you find yourself feeling like you are spending too much time thinking about the way your partner spent their life before meeting you, there is a strong chance that something deeper is going on.
Lori Lawrenz, PsyD explains that “Retroactive jealousy means feeling threatened by your partner’s past relationships or experiences” in her article “Can a Relationship Survive Retroactive Jealousy?” Lori Lawrenz explains that a 2017 review of 23- studies on romantic jealousy found that the emotions were similar no matter the person that was experiencing this form of jealousy. These emotions included: (1) insecure attachment styles, (2) feelings of insecurity and like you’re not good enough, (3) past experiences of infidelity, even with other partners, (4) substance use that can contain alcohol, cannabis, and harsher illicit substances, and (5) chronic medical conditions.
Chivona Childs, PhD, in her article written for the Cleveland Clinic, explains that because of how triggering Retroactive Jealousy can be, it often “requires time and dedication to overcome completely,” which is why knowing what to do and how to do it can prove beneficial. Some things that we can do to help with Retroactive Jealousy include (1) acknowledging our feelings and working to grow our own esteem, (2) challenging our own negative thoughts, (3) shifting our focus to the here-and-now, (4) setting boundaries, and (5) knowing when to seek professional help.
1. Acknowledging our Feelings and Growing our own Esteem.
It is important for us to recognize how our own inner thoughts and feelings are what pushes us to continue engaging in Retroactive Jealousy. Retroactive Jealousy may not be something that we can control but we can control what we do to push ourselves to grow our self-esteem. How do we do this? Well, this is where the process gets a bit more tricky! We must ask ourselves if the thoughts we are experiencing are based on fact, fiction, or are emotionally driven. We must work to reframe our thoughts and feelings and find ways to work on our own self-esteem.
For many of my clients, I tell them to remember the acronym “ICE” to change their negative thoughts into more positive ones. I = Identify the negative thought; C = Challenge the negative thought; E = Engage in reframing the negative thought to a more positive one. So, if I were thinking about my partner and how I don’t like who they dated prior to me, I would (“I”) ask myself why I am struggling with who they dated before me. I would then (“C”) ask myself if they knew me, would they still have dated the person. And finally, I would (“E”) remind myself that we are in a healthy and loving relationship, so it doesn’t matter who they were with before me because my partner is happy with me.
By doing this, we are able to give ourselves time for reflection and to figure out if the feelings that are stirring up our Retroactive Jealousy are also causing us to feel insecure, fearful, or an array of other negative feelings, which, in turn, helps us in reducing our own feelings of worth and belonging.
2. Shifting our Focus to the Here-and-Now.
It is important for us to remember that the past can definitely stay in the past. Just because our partner could have dated a pro-basketball player before, does not mean that our partner would make the same decisions if they were given the same opportunity all over again with us in it. Because of this we are able to eliminate distractions, practice mindfulness, and consciously choose what we want to take place. It is important for us to set clear boundaries for ourselves and to set an action plan up for us. If we don’t want to think about what our partner has done prior to us, we must remind ourselves that we have to focus on the here-and-now and find ways to stay in this positive mindset.
Imagine dusting off an old bicycle and expecting it to work immediately. Do you think that would work? Or would you have to put in the work to get the bike ready again? Most of the time, we would need to focus on getting the bike ready all over again and that takes work. Much like the old bike, we can learn to do the things that we once were able to do if we are able to focus, remain in the present, and stay in the “now.” Some things that we can do to practice staying in the here-and-now include:
- Mindful Body Scans
- Write in a Journal
- Take a Walk in Nature
- Review Your Day
- Focus on the Thoughts going on in your Head
3. Setting Boundaries for Ourselves and Our Partner.
I’m sure we’ve all heard this before but boundaries truly are the foundation of all healthy relationships. The plain truth is that boundaries are not about placing demands on our partner. Boundaries are more about keeping us mentally and emotionally safe from things that can hurt us. They are about stating what we need and what will happen if we don’t get what we need. I like to remind my clients that boundaries are the things that have to have an “if” and a “then.” A really great example of this would be the use of an “I” statement. An “I” statement is one where you state how you are feeling, state the reason for you feeling that way, cite an example of when this occurs, and ask for what you need.
An example of an “I” statement could be “I feel overwhelmed when you wait until the last minute to do something or ask for my help. I need you to ask for help earlier next time so that me helping you can still happen without me risking what I already had planned.”
By using “I” statements, we are able to minimize defensiveness with our communication and still state what we need to have happen. This form of a statement helps us engage with our partners in such a way that we don’t judge, criticize or blame them while taking responsibility for our feelings and honoring our true self. Still, “I” statements are just the beginning of forming boundaries in our life. We still have to check-in with our partners, be kind to ourselves as we set our boundaries, and reinforce our needs and boundaries in a consistent manner.
Knowing when to seek professional help will undoubtedly help you with your journey as you heal from Retroactive Jealousy. If you are struggling with the need from reassurance from your partner or feel that you find things that your partner did before ever meeting you are bothering you more than they should, please reach out. There are trained therapists at Fresno Family Therapy here to help you figure this all out. Please call (559) 795-5990 today; we are here to help!
Resources:
Cleveland Clinic. (July 19,2024). “Jealous of Your Partner’s Past?” Retrieved from: https://health.clevelandclinic.org/retroactive-jealousy
Halliwell, E. (2017). “The Science and Practice of Staying Present through Difficult Times. Retrieved from: https://www.mindful.org/science-practice-staying-present-difficult-times/Lawrenz, Lori. (October 21, 2022). “Can a Relationship Survive Retroactive Jealousy?” Retrieved from: https://psychcentral.com/relationships/retroactive-jealousy
About the Author:
Tammie Makely, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #113186
- Addiction
- Trauma
- Couples Therapy
- Sex Addiction
- Anger Management
- Sexual Abuse
- EMDR
- Grief/Loss
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Stress management
- Co-Occurring Disorders
- Codependency Issues
