When I work with children, adolescents, and parents, sooner or later, the conversation of body safety and sex always becomes a topic of therapy. It usually goes something like this:

Parent: Cindy, can I talk with you privately about something that came up this week?

Therapist Cindy: Absolutely!

Parent: This week, I saw ____ doing ___ with their ___. What do I do?

If it is not seeing them do something, it is

“This week, I saw___ watching ___. What do I do?”

My initial response is often, “How did you approach that?” More times than not, most parents either yell out of shock and disbelief, do not talk about it, or pretend they did not see it. So, today, I am here to discuss important considerations for talking with your child about body safety and sex. As a therapist who has worked with children and adolescents for many years, even across cultures, it is vital that your child learns about body safety and sex from you, the parent, before they learn it from anyone else.

Consideration #1: Consider Your Comfort Level

Talking with your child about body safety and sex always begins with you, the parent. If you are anxious talking about it, your child will feel it, and in all honesty, your child needs some neutral ground and objectivity around this topic. According to the National Child Traumatic Stress Network, “sexual development begins at birth”. Babies and toddlers explore their bodies and learn about the physiological responses of each body part including their private parts. This is a natural process of exploration and growth.

If you do not feel comfortable talking with your child about body safety and sex, there are many books and resources available to parents. One of my favorite books that focuses on this topic is called “Teach Your Dragon Body Safety” by Steven Herman. It can be a helpful bedtime read for evenings when you have the capacity to answer questions.

I also encourage parents to determine where their discomfort comes from. If it stems from disturbing childhood memories, therapy can help. Parenting is difficult, and therapy can support with working through any disturbing childhood experiences that you, the parent, have that may currently be impeding your ability to communicate with your child about vital topics in their life.

Consideration #2: Consider the Developmental Age of Your Child

Childhood and adolescent development is rapid. So much wiring occurs in the brain throughout these years that affects an individual’s cognitive development, social/emotional development, moral development, psychological development, physical development, and sexual development. Because of this, I encourage parents to always consider the chronological and developmental age of their child when they want or need to talk about body safety and sex. Some individual’s developmental age does not match their chronological age, so it is helpful to have an idea of both.

I always try to match the developmental age of the child. For example, I might be working with a child whose chronological age is 10 but their developmental age is closer to 7. This developmental number determines how detailed and specific the conversation of body safety and sex needs to be.

For children whose developmental age is 3, I may simply say “Your body belongs to you. You can say ‘No’ if someone wants to touch your body.” For children whose developmental age is about 5 or 6, the conversation may be more like “Your body belongs to you. You can say ‘No’ if someone wants to touch your body. Your private parts are what is covered by your underwear. They are special to you. If anyone wants to look at your private parts, tries to touch them, or wants you to see or touch their private parts, you can tell me.”

For more information about what and when to teach a child about body safety and sex, I encourage you to visit this resource: https://nctsn.org/resources/sexual-development-and-behavior-children-information-parents-and-caregivers

Consideration #3: Consider the Circumstances

Why do you want or need to talk with your child about body safety and sex? Has something happened or are you wanting to be preventative? What are the circumstances that led up to your decision?

I add this in because the circumstances also determine what and how much information to provide. The conversation of body safety and sex is ongoing and will need to continue throughout your child’s life. If you witnessed or are aware that a sexual incident occurred between your child and another child, it is crucial to assess for and secure safety and to know what happened before you start teaching.

If you are aware that your child was a victim of sexual abuse or exploitation, it is crucial to start your child in therapy with a therapist trained in working with childhood sexual abuse. In some cases, the conversation of body safety and sex is best done with the help of a professional.

I have walked through the conversation of body safety and sex with many parents and many children. I have also walked through this conversation with my own children, as a parent. I did not grow up with the life experience of open conversation about sex and body safety, which means that I had to learn how to do this myself. This also means that I have made many mistakes along the way that I had to repair.

I believe that any parent can do this, even if it is uncomfortable to start. If you are reading this and feel that this applies, I hope that my blog gave you a starting point. If you are feeling like this parenting task is too hard, there are trained professionals who can help, and I highly encourage you to reach out.

Our children will learn about body safety and sex at some point in their life. They will ask questions and will seek answers for their curiosities. Their research will begin the foundation of what sex means, and you can be part of that.

About the Author:

Cindy Vang, LMFT

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #100531

• High Sensitivity/Sensory Processing Sensitivity
• Neurodivergent Affirming
• Infant Mental Health
• Trauma
• EMDR
• Children & Teens
• Play Therapy
• Attachment Oriented
• Bilingual, Hmong Speaking
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Parenting