Have you ever seen the movie “Christmas with the Kranks”?  Imagine Whoville but Krank-ier.  According to Andie Bjornsfelt in his article “Stop trying to make Christmas with the Kranks happen”, he explains that “The couple’s  20-ish daughter, Blair, is going away to work in the Peace Corps. They experience some empty nest syndrome, until Luther gets an idea: to skip Christmas altogether and go on a Caribbean cruise! No presents, no decorating, no pine tree.  He proceeds to type out a letter notifying everyone that the Kranks are skipping Christmas. The neighbourhood goes bananas. They begin stalking the Krank’s in an attempt to force them into changing their minds. Who cares if somebody chooses not to celebrate a holiday? Everybody, apparently. They care so much that they will not stop until they succeed in getting the Kranks to celebrate Christmas.”  Well, this was, undoubtedly, me this year!

What to do when the Holidays aren’t always happy – for all of us.

You see, every December, most of us drift into what I like to call “holiday-delusion-land.” It’s that magical (and sometimes exhausting) time of year when four major holidays all show up within less than 60 days. They roll in with Halloween and vanish in a blink with New Year’s Eve. It’s fast. It’s often expensive. And yes… it can feel downright heavy.  Along with the twinkling lights and festive decorations comes a whirlwind of parties, family gatherings, nostalgia, and big smiles. And let’s not forget the unspoken rule: you must be happy. Everywhere we turn—advertising, social media feeds, workplace chatter, and even the occasional family letter (do people even send those anymore?)—there’s this subtle assumption that we’re supposed to radiate joy. Over time, happiness has shifted from a feeling to a cultural expectation, and it can leave us feeling like we’re failing if we don’t measure up.  From a mental health perspective, the holidays are basically our annual stressful environment dressed up in a shiny bow. There’s the pressure to buy the perfect gift, bake the perfect cookies, wrap everything flawlessly, coordinate outfits, attend every gathering, and keep up appearances—all while managing family dynamics, budgets, travel, and schedules. And that’s before we even factor in the quiet moments of reflection, loss, or loneliness that the season can stir up.

The truth is, the holidays are complicated. They’re full of joy, nostalgia, connection, stress, exhaustion, and yes, sometimes sadness. And it’s perfectly okay if your experience doesn’t match the glossy picture we see everywhere. Allowing yourself to feel what you truly feel—without guilt, without pressure—might just be the most authentic way to navigate the season.  The holidays are a time, however, where our own expectations often dictate how we should feel – surely not guilt, self-criticism or the belief that something is wrong but rather that we are happy, merry, and full of glad tidings and cheer.  Just take the song “Deck the Halls”…  you only have to read through it once to see that even the songs this time of year are filled with our expectations.

Deck the halls with boughs of holly, Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Tis the season to be jolly, Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Don we now our glad apparel, Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Troll the ancient Yuletide carol, Fa la la la la, la la la la.

See the blazing Yule before us, Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Strike the harp and join the chorus. Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Follow me in merry measure, Fa la la la la, la la la la.

While I tell of Yuletide treasure, Fa la la la la, la la la la.

According to Harvard Medical School’s “Holiday Stress and the Brain” written in 2016, “Because the holiday season often requires us to keep track of and pay attention to a greater number of responsibilities than usual, the brain’s prefrontal cortex goes into overdrive. Over time, a high level of demand can decrease memory, halt production of new brain cells, and cause existing brain cells to die. Fortunately, holiday stress is a special kind of stress: an acute reaction to an immediate threat.”  Because of this demanding time, we often don’t know how to regain our composure after the holidays.  That’s mostly because this time of year does not bring happiness and yuletide but it does, however, intensify the emotions that we are already experiencing.  It seems the only thing that this year does bring is that holidays do not tell us how to feel.  So, of course for some this time of year does bring joy, happiness, and connection but for others it brings exhaustion, loneliness, and the feeling of disassociation.  

I’m not always happy either!

A few months ago, my best friend asked me a question so innocuous, so utterly simple, that I should’ve been able to answer it without thinking. But no. That question—“What are your plans for Christmas?”—hit me like a freight train and unleashed a mental avalanche I wasn’t prepared for. I’m willing to bet you’ve been asked this exact same question, by friends, family, co-workers, your mother, your neighbor—maybe even by the barista at Starbucks while you’re trying to get your life together before December hit. And like me, it probably made you want to scream, roll your eyes, or just hide under a pile of blankets until January 2nd.  Trust me, that’s been me all month long.

Because here’s the thing: when my best friend asked, my first thought wasn’t about gifts or parties or tinsel-covered joy. It was: I do NOT want this year to be the same as it always has been. And suddenly, I was hit with an avalanche of holiday-related stress that I didn’t even know I had stored up like a squirrel hoarding nuts. You see, for me, Christmas is supposed to be my favorite time of year. I love the lights, the cookies, the absurdly over-the-top Santa displays, the chaos that somehow feels cozy… it’s magical. And yet, as I sat there, I realized that I didn’t want anything that I normally do.  And that, my friends, is when I understood the cruel truth about the holidays: they’re less about joy and more about exhaustion in disguise. 

For years, I have gone all in. I’ve outdone myself to levels that probably border on unhinged. I’m not talking a little effort; I’m talking “go big or go home” kind of holiday mania. Last year? Oh, last year was a masterpiece of holiday chaos. We celebrated a week early in Las Vegas because why not, then headed to my hometown for Christmas, and wrapped it all up with ten days ringing in the New Year at Disneyland and the Disneyland Hotel. Ten days. Disneyland. Do you know how much walking, spending, and coordinating that is? Yeah, it was a blast. Absolutely. But here’s the kicker: the “joy,” the “merriment,” the “pure holiday happiness” everyone keeps telling you should be there… It’s like glitter. It’s shiny, it’s everywhere, and then suddenly it’s gone, leaving you with empty wallets, sore feet, and stress levels that could probably qualify as a public health hazard.

And last year, I realized something terrifying: while I felt happy in the moment, I wasn’t happy afterward. Not really. The stress caught up, the exhaustion caught up, and the financial hangover? Oh, it definitely caught up. My brain went, “Congratulations! You’ve achieved maximum holiday chaos. Here’s your bonus: anxiety and a mortgage-sized credit card bill.” Happiness is fleeting, folks. And for me, last year proved that even when the holiday joy is there, it doesn’t last, and it sure comes with a cost.  So this year? Screw it. I’m not chasing happiness. I’m not pretending to be cheerful or festive or anything resembling the caricature of a happy holiday human. The goal isn’t to force myself to be merry—it’s to survive the season without losing my mind. I want less stress, less pressure, less pretending. I want a holiday that feels human, not Instagram-perfect. I want cozy over chaotic, simple over over-the-top, sanity over sparkle. And maybe, if I’m lucky, some genuine joy will sneak in between naps and Netflix binges and avoiding the relatives I love but also mildly fear.

So when someone asks me this year, “What are your plans for Christmas?” my answer will be simple: survival mode engaged. No glitter, no grand extravaganzas, no ten-day theme park marathons. Just me, doing exactly what I want, saying no to anything that feels like obligation, and yes to anything that feels like a breath of fresh air. Because honestly? That’s the real holiday goal. Forget the Pinterest-perfect trees, the perfectly wrapped presents, the mandatory happiness. The truth is, you don’t have to be thrilled, ecstatic, or glowing in seasonal cheer to enjoy the holidays. You just have to make it through with your sanity (and maybe a glass of wine) intact. And this year, that’s enough…. At least for me.

When Happiness Doesn’t Show Up for Us this Season.

It’s that one time of year when the world seems to insist that every single one of us must be happy—not just quietly content, but literally and visibly joyful. Everywhere we look, people are smiling, decorating, celebrating, sharing festive posts online, and exchanging cheerful greetings. And yet, if you’re not feeling that holiday-level joy, it doesn’t mean you’ve somehow failed at gratitude, personal growth, or effort. Not at all.  It does, however, mean that you are not the same (or appearing to be the same) as everyone else.  In reality, not feeling joyful this time of year is often a mirror reflecting the stress, loss, and challenges you’ve carried throughout the year. It could be lingering tension in family relationships, unresolved personal issues, financial pressure, social expectations, or even plain old emotional burnout. The holidays don’t take away what we are going through; instead, they simply shine a spotlight on what we’ve been carrying, and sometimes that spotlight can feel a little heavy to bear.  And here’s the kicker: if you’re not feeling extra-jolly, it’s easy to start questioning yourself. “Did I miss a memo? Forget my daily vitamins? Have a personality quirk I never noticed before? Is something actually wrong with me?” Spoiler alert: none of that is true. You’re human. You’ve lived a year full of ups, downs, and everything in between—and your feelings are valid, no matter what anyone else (or social media) tells you.

Strategies for Coping while feeling the “unhappy” feelings.

So let’s get real: the holidays aren’t a test of happiness, and there’s no failing grade for feeling stressed, anxious, or even sad.  Joy doesn’t have to be nonstop to matter. In fact, one of the healthiest ways to get through the holidays is to honor the full spectrum of your emotions—the excitement, the nostalgia, the stress, and yes, even the exhaustion. The holidays aren’t a movie set; we’re not the Kranks, we’re not living in whoville, and we are all definitely not watching the Macy’s parade from the best New York hotel window.  The holidays are messy, unpredictable, beautiful, heavy, and gone before you know it.  Feeling less than ecstatic doesn’t make you ungrateful, weak, or broken—it makes you human. The truth is, the “perfectly joyful” holiday you see on social media or in movies is a carefully edited version of reality. Real life includes fatigue, tension, awkward family moments, and the quiet pangs of reflection alongside laughter, lights, and celebration.

Giving yourself permission to feel exactly what you feel—without guilt or judgment—can be transformative. It’s the first step toward creating a holiday season that’s authentic, manageable, and yes, even a little lighter. When we all stop measuring ourselves against someone else’s picture-perfect version of joy, we can make space for our own moments of real connection, comfort, and even small bursts of happiness.  This season doesn’t have to be about constant cheer, money spent, or even one particular thing—it can be about presence, acceptance, and honesty. Let yourself rest, laugh when you can, feel when you need to, and savor the small sparks of joy that show up naturally. That’s what a meaningful, human holiday really looks like.

Four Coping Skills I plan to use through the Whole Year

Alright, let’s cut the crap: happiness isn’t a shiny package you unwrap on December 25th, and the world’s expectation that you’re supposed to be bursting with joy for six straight weeks? Pure nonsense. If you want to survive 2026—and actually feel something other than stressed, broke, or exhausted—you need some real, no-BS coping skills. Not for Christmas, not for Instagram, not for your aunt asking if you’ve gained weight again. For you.

First: gratitude, but like a human, not a Hallmark card. Stop pretending that gratitude means writing a list of things that make you look “good” online. Real gratitude is noticing the small stuff that actually makes life bearable: the first sip of coffee that doesn’t taste like regret, the song that makes you bop in your pajamas, or that friend who texts you memes instead of life advice. It’s not flashy. It’s not perfect. It works.

Second: boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. If someone tries to guilt-trip you into attending a party you hate, buying a gift you can’t afford, or pretending you’re jolly for three hours straight, say NO. Loudly. Proudly. Without shame. The holidays are basically a test of how much emotional labor you’re willing to perform, and spoiler alert: you don’t have to take it. Protect your energy like it’s gold, because it is.

Third: tiny, repeatable joys. Stop waiting for a weekend trip to Disneyland or a perfectly wrapped present to feel happy. That’s nonsense. Happiness comes from small, consistent things you do for yourself. Read a page of a book. Walk your dog. Eat a snack you actually want without guilt. Watch something dumb on Netflix. These micro-moments pile up like emotional compound interest, and suddenly your life isn’t just tolerable—it’s manageable, maybe even fun.

Fourth: emotional awareness with a side of self-compassion. Here’s the harsh truth: if you’re stressed, sad, cranky, or just fed up with everything, that’s normal. Stop beating yourself up for it. Feeling human is not a failure. Notice your feelings, call them out, and give yourself a break. “I’m tired, anxious, and maybe slightly done with everyone” is a completely valid life statement. Repeat it. Own it. Celebrate it quietly.

Put these four together—gratitude, boundaries, micro-joys, and self-compassion—and you’ve got a toolkit for life that doesn’t just get you through December 25th. It carries you through 2026 without turning you into a holiday zombie or a stressed, credit-card-wielding mess. Forget pretending to be jolly. Forget chasing perfect Instagram joy. Real happiness isn’t seasonal. It’s a skill. And when you master it, you’re not just surviving—you’re thriving, unapologetically, every single day.

Remember: no one can control everything, and that’s okay. What you can control is equipping yourself with the tools to feel grounded, understood, and validated. The holidays, let’s be honest, bring stress for everyone—whether you’re hosting, traveling, shopping, or just trying to survive. The key is to be prepared: have a plan, set boundaries and time limits, and keep in mind why this season matters to you.

If you—or someone you care about—are struggling to feel connected, supported, or even just a little happier this holiday season, know that Fresno Family Therapy is here for you. Call or text us today to schedule an appointment. We’re ready to help you find balance, connection, and a sense of happiness—not just during the holidays, but all year long.

Resources: 

Bjornsfelt,, Andie.  (December 1, 2019).  Retrieved from:  A Kranky Christmas | Capilano Courier.

Harvard Medical School.  (Winter 2016).  Retrieved from:   Holiday Stress and the Brain | Harvard Medical School 

About the Author:

Tammie Makely, LMFT

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #113186

• Addiction
• Trauma
• Couples Therapy
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• Anger Management
• Sexual Abuse
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• Co-Occurring Disorders
• Codependency Issues