Mourning can be a long and lonely journey but through the art of journaling, one can express their truest emotions and biggest fears.  Journaling can be a way to cope with the loss of something you never imagined in ways that utilizes many of your creative abilities.  Now, whether you are mourning the loss of a loved one, animal, relationship, friendship, career, or anything really; you have the power to take control of your thoughts and emotions and organize your thoughts into written words.  I often tell my clients that if you are going to expect yourself to journal, don’t push yourself to be mad when you don’t.  This is not because journaling isn’t a true pro-social skill but rather adding something new to your plate that is already full can often feel counter-intuitive.  Sure, it sounds comforting to imagine yourself sitting with your journal, having a prompt in mind and your favorite tea on the table with a pen in your hand and a tear on your cheek; however, this may only work for some.  For others, this may take time to happen.

Confronting Yourself Fearlessly

Writing about something as stressful as your own grief process can be traumatic; however, it can also work to reduce stress and allow yourself time for self-expression.  As stress activates the “fight, flight, freeze, fawn” response found in our sympathetic nervous system, our ability to journal will not only activate the “rest and digest” response that comes from our parasympathetic nervous system and leads to us calming your breathing, which can lead to lower overall blood pressure and heart rate.  So, no matter the way that you journal (remember there is no right or wrong to your process), it can be a freeing addition to a stressful time in your life. 

Some of the ways that people journal include:

1)    Bullet Journaling:  a way of providing organization to an unorganized time in your life by writing systematically your goals, your to-do lists, your memories, your future anticipations, and more.

2)    Emotional Writing:  a way that you write about the emotions that come up for you in such a way that you share with you the most negative emotions as a way of reframing and refocusing and the positive things as a way of savoring your moments and experiences.

3)    Free Falling:  a way that you don’t have any true start or finish; no right; no wrong; just plain writing until you feel like you’ve written enough for that journaling session. 

4)    Gratitude Journal:  a way for you to track the positive strides you have made emotionally, mentally, and physically through your journey following such a change in your life.

Making Journaling Meaningful to You

When you begin your journal journey, make sure that you are journaling whatever comes to your mind; however, as time goes on, you may choose to add more specifics. Maybe choose to write freely in the beginning to get your creative juices pumping but then choose to use some sort of prompt, a certain memory, or even a color or emotion.  Remember, that it’s a journal and yours at that; it’s entirely up to you.  So, grab your journal and your pen and let your “right brain” take over.  When I say this, what I mean is to let your artistic and imaginative side come out.  Let yourself feel.  Let yourself visualize different experiences that matter and mean something to you.  Let yourself daydream.  Let yourself write through the art of holistic thinking, knowing full-well that you are a whole person with many facets to yourself.  Let yourself be real with the pages you are writing on.

Benefits of Journaling

According to the University of Saint Augustine for Health Sciences, there are ten major benefits to journaling.  (Read here:  https://www.usa.edu/blog/ways-journaling-benefits-students/). I know this article is for students but honestly, I think these ten things apply here as well.  Some of the many things that this fascinating article points out is that journaling (1) helps grow our mental and physical health; (2) encourages self-confidence by actively allowing a person to have a medium where they can speak kindly and positively to themselves; (3) helps a person set goals because we don’t always know what we’re wanting until we have to time to think about what we’re missing; (4) boosts emotional IQ and memory by writing things down; (5) strengthens a person’s writing skills by allowing them to have time to organize their thoughts and get into the practice of doing such.

How to Get Started

Some of the things you may want before starting your journaling process include:

1)    Choose a journal that works for you.  Make it fun.  Choose a color that sets the tone of what you will be writing or add a title in your Notes App, you know the one you have secretly saved on your phone that you feel fits your overarching feeling/theme/ideas.  I found that having a plum purple journal, one that I found at Home Goods, is one that works best for me right now.

2)    Start Small but don’t limit what you write.  Try writing just a word, a sentence, or even a paragraph each time you sit down but don’t tell yourself statements that you can’t stick to, such as: “I’ll do this every day” or “I should only write about my feelings.”  Telling yourself statements that have absolutes will only give yourself ammunition to not like yourself later.  So, instead of saying “I’ll do this every day” try telling yourself “I want to write when I think I need to get something out” or “I’m going to use this to organize my thoughts; anything goes here.”  You can write about anything in your journal.  Who’s to know if you write about a feeling, an event you did that day, memories that keep coming to your mind, or even things that you must do the next day other than yourself?  Remember that this is for you.  Anything goes. 

3)    Re-Read what You’re Writing and Remember Who You’re Writing to.  After a while try re-reading what you have written.  I remember how when I first began to use a journal, I would write on my lunch breaks at work and after about six-months and I had just about 62-entries, I re-read the majority of what I had written in the plum-bound journal I had been scribbling in for months prior.  I remember thinking of how much my pain turned to anger and my anger turned to acceptance and my acceptance turned to… you get the picture!  It was my journal, and it was me in my rawest form.  I was allowing myself to express me in a way that only journaling would allow me to do.  I could tell the days that I was sad and the days that I felt nothing at all.  Still, it was something that helped me organize my thoughts and I was grateful.  So, no matter who you choose to write to (maybe it’s a person or experience you’re missing out on or even yourself), remember that you are the one who holds the power.  This is your journal and your choice what to put on the pages.

Try Starting with these Grief Prompts

• What was your favorite holiday when you were 5? 10? 15? This year?
• Do you feel comfortable asking for help? Why or why not?
• What is my favorite memory about my loved one?
• What Is a time I felt most alive?
• When is a time I felt most out of control?
• What songs make you think about your loved one the most?
• What is a mantra I can use right now to help me get through?
• What was a time you struggled to get along with your loved one? Why does this time stand-out to you?
• Today, I feel …
• What is the one thing that makes me miss my loved one the most?

The truth is that with practice, you, too, can create your own writing ritual.  A writing ritual is something that you choose over time that allows you to choose a time, a place, a way of writing, and more; all that matters is that it is customized to your preferences.  A writing ritual that not only frees you but also allows you to explore your inner-most thoughts and feelings.  Still, if you add this to your to-do list, please don’t use this as a reason to justify your feelings of failing through your grief; who needs that?  Instead, focus on the journey that the journal is allowing you to chronicle. 

Some people will find this so helpful that it will become part of your weekly routine, like it has become part of mine.  Others, however, may find that they only need the journal when they are going through difficult times.  No matter the reason that you give yourself when journaling, remember that this is a process of its own as well.  You can use it daily, weekly, or even when the mood is right.  You get to choose what is involved in the journal and who you want to write to.  You can even switch it up.  You are in control over this powerful tool.  It’s up to you to do what you need to with it.  Remember, this is your healing journey.  If you are looking for more support during your healing journey, the clinicians at Fresno Family Therapy are here to help.  We offer online and in-person sessions throughout the state of California. 

About the Author: 

Tammie Makely, LMFT

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #113186