In my 14 years of working as a clinician (Wow!  I’m really aging myself!), I have worked with many children and the truth is that I have children myself, but one of the things I have learned is that some topics are more difficult to talk about with our children than others.  I would say that I know, firsthand, how hard it is to know what to say to our children when we are going through a difficult time.  As parents, we want to know what to say in their times of need.  No matter what the topic may be, i.e., death, divorce, or even disease, it is important for us to know how to listen, show comfort, and be empathic/non-judgmental/have an unequivocal nature/focus on the feelings brought up in the situation. 

Still, the way we share upcoming plans revolving a trip to Disneyland will bring much different emotions than talking to our children about one of the 3-D’s.  For the sake of this article, let’s refer to the title of the article and assume that the 3-D’s refer to Death, Disease, and Divorce.  Further, it has been said that before we have any serious conversation, whether it be with a friend, one of our children, or even a colleague, it is important to evaluate our own emotional state. 

 

HARD TOPICS

The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) encourages parents, teachers, childcare providers, and others who work closely with children to filter information about the event and present it in a way that their child can understand, adjust to, and handle in a healthy way.  I mean come on, what does that even mean?!  I know that one of the hardest jobs any of us can have is to talk to our children about one of the 3-D’s but there are other topics that may be difficult too.  Some of these topics include sex, natural disasters, shootings, mental health, drugs, school, and even how to be safe in an unsafe world.  No matter the topic, and especially if they involve the 3-D’s, we must approach these conversations with an insight into our children, our relationship with them, and what we know we can control.  Now, when I say “control,” that doesn’t mean to be controlling but rather to have your child’s needs and expectations met in a way that only you, as the parent/caregiver, can.

 

DIVORCE

For many children, divorce can bring up a lot of negative emotions and can be a very stressful and confusing time.  It can make their world feel like it’s turned upside down, just like it has yours.  At any age, children can feel shocked, upset, scared, angry, uncertain, and others.  Due to the negative emotions that are brought up for our children due to their parents beginning the divorce process.  Still, as difficult as it seems, it is important to go to our children and talk with them empathically in a way that focuses on their feelings and addresses their concerns.  When talking to our children about divorce, remember the acronym A-B-C. 

(A) Give AFFIRMATIONS and love.  Children have a remarkable way of healing, accepting, and moving forward.  They can take most things that would crush an adult and accept it in a way that we can only hope we would.  While they heal in a way that is unsurmountable to others, it is still important to provide kudos/affirmations to our children.  Tell them you love them.  Tell them that they will be okay.  Offer support and physical closeness.  Be honest without offering disrespect.

(B). Don’t BLAME.  While it is important for you to be honest and talk with your child about the who, what, where, and why that will be taking place in their life, it is also important to remember that they do not need to hear every detail.  Do not be overly critical of your ex, and do not forget to show restraint.  Showing restraint doesn’t mean you are not telling the truth.  It means that you are presenting the truth in a respectful manner. 

(C) Address the CHANGES that will happen in your child’s life.  If you are moving your child from one town to the next, talk about that.  Talk about the things that will be changing and the positives that will be in the new environment in a loving way.  Say “I love you” and tell the truth. 

 

DEATH

As I’ve already stated, children are resilient beauties who often understand things much deeper than what we, as the adult, would expect.  When a loved one dies, there is no exception and children feel and show their grief in different ways.  Some of these ways are positive and others are negative.  In order for them to feel like they are seen, heard, and understood, we all do things in an attempt to mitigate our negative feelings; children are no different. 

Some of the things that we can do to help our children handle grief that comes from a death, include: (1) telling the them the truth, (2) share information in doses, (3) be comfortable knowing that you may not know the answer to every question they may have, (4) be okay with your own feelings and allow yourself to cry with your child(ren), and (5) remember to take care of yourself. 

While every child is different, there are definitely things that we should not do, including: (1) don’t hide your grief, (2) don’t be afraid to share fond memories and photos about the loved one, (3) don’t change the subject when your child comes into the room; secrecy is never a good thing, (4) don’t put a time limit on your child’s grief cycle, and (5) don’t change their routine.

 

DISEASE

For the most part, most children depend on their families for everything that they do and all that makes them, well, them.  Because of this, losing a family member is often a child’s worst nightmare coming to fruition.  Due to this, talking to your child(ren) about illness and disease must be done with the utmost sensitivity.  In order to help you handle this conversation with grace and ease, researchers have created what they call the six C’s.  (Find more information on The 6 C’s at https://www.sickkids.ca/siteassets/care–services/support-services/paediatric-advanced-care-team-pact/talking-to-kids-about-serious-illness.pdf.) No matter the illness, disease, or severity of what your child is going through, they need to have some of their biggest concerns answered.

The six C’s are common concerns that your child(ren) may have when handling the topic of serious illness with our children:

1. What is it CALLED?

2.  Can I CATCH it?

3.  Did I CAUSE it?

4. Can I CURE it?

5. Who will take CARE of me?

6. How can I CONNECT to people I care about? 

 

STARTING A HARD CONVERSATION

For you to talk to your children about the 3-D’s, or any hard conversation really, I suggest you ready yourself for the hard conversation first.  You can do this by simply asking yourself:  Am I okay talking right now?  Do I have a script in my head of what this conversation could look like?  Am I prepared to answer questions?  Do I feel vulnerable and open to conversation?  Once you have prepared yourself emotionally to talk to your children about something, make sure you know that you don’t have to be perfect.  I think a big part of survival is acceptance of our imperfections; therefore, this conversation does not have to be perfect, even though it must be done. 

 

PREPARING FOR THE DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS

It is a good idea to go to your children to talk before your children hears the news from some outside source.  Now the source can be different depending on what the topic is; however, imagine being 11-years old and having someone at your school ask how it is to have parents getting a divorce.  If this 11-year-old knows already, and before this other child asks, they will be better equipped with an answer for their schoolmate.  But let’s say the 11-year-old child didn’t know that their dad was talking to the other schoolmate’s dad about the possibility of divorce, the scenario would not be a positive exchange. 

This is why I always suggest to parents that they should talk to their children as soon as they can after something happens.  But other tips include: (1) preparing for the conversation like mentioned previously, (2) telling your children that they can ask any questions that they have as long as they know that even mommy or daddy may not know the answer, (3) use past events to help your children understand (an example could be remember when we went to grandma’s for a whole summer, well, we are going to be going there for a lot longer this time.), (4) be ready to show comfort and vulnerability to you child(ren), and (5) remember to come back to the topic that was talked about after a set period of time (an example would be that if your child doesn’t bring up what you previously talked with them about after about a week, it is important for you to then make sure you revisit the topic with your child).

 

KEEPING THE CONVERSATION GOING

I get it, sometimes it is very difficult to talk with our children, no matter their age, about difficult topics.  It’s like no matter what you do, you face an obstacle, some resilience, or even don’t seem to meld over the important decisions.  It’s easy to say things like “they don’t like me” when they don’t seem to want to talk about the things you are trying to talk about and no matter what, you feel like if their fingers aren’t moving on their phone screens, they are just unhappy.  The truth is that having a game-plan regarding what, when, why, and how of any conversation is important.  One sure fire way to talk to our kids about hard topics is to talk to them regularly about non-difficult topics. 

Some of the ways that we can share more communication in our relationships with our children, include: asking them about their day, every time they get into your car; watch a regularly aired show with them and ask them about their thoughts after an episode has aired; engage in play through the use of boardgames, video games, and more; ask open-ended questions and wait for responses so that your child is presented with the idea that you are waiting and wanting their opinion; allow for silence and expect it at times. 

 

HOW DO I SHOW I’M LISTENING?

By showing our children we are listening to them and their opinions, they are bound to understand the value we place on them; however, what happens when we are trying to listen to them, but we are not showing that?  There’s no question that different developmental ages bring different challenges.  You may be surprised to know that the older your child becomes, the less-and-less your child will share with you. 

On one hand that’s a good thing because they are learning to become true individuals but on the other hand, we need to know many things about our children that they may not be sharing, or even wanting to share.  I tell some of the parents I work with that knowing when our child wants to talk is almost as difficult as trusting in the crystal-ball method.  We are not fortune tellers, we do not see the future, and we certainly do not read minds.  Still, when your child is ready to talk there are simple things to convey our desire to listen to our children.

These simple ways of showing our children that we are willing and desirous of listening include being active listeners, offering help, knowing when to not offer help, and even paying attention to our child’s nonverbal communication patterns.  Here are some ways that can help:

1. In order to be an active listener, I suggest the following simple tactics: put your phone away (I get it, we’ve all been there but nothing is worse than trying to talk to someone who looks otherwise engaged and not focused on us), listen and allow what your child is saying to be truly said (it’s like when your child is certain the sky is purple but they don’t want you to be in opposition of their thought that the sky is purple so we say something along the lines of ‘I’m so impressed you see purple in this very blue sky), reflect back to them what they are saying (i.e. “so, what you’re saying is that you think a 9PM bedtime is really too early now that you’re older.”), and even by asking if they are ready to hear what you have to say about the topic. 

2. If your child is willing to share what their opinions are, it is important to ask for their permission to talk to them prior to you sharing your thoughts with them.  I’m not saying you must keep it bottled up, but what I am saying is that when we ask permission to share our opinion, we are honestly saying that we are ready to engage and hope they are ready to do the same.  If they are not ready, your expectation should be that they clearly tell you that they are not ready to hear your opinion and go from there.  By forcing them to talk to you, hear your opinions, or even communicate through social media trends, we are saying “you have to do what I say” rather than conveying a message that offers advice and understanding.  If they tell you that they are not ready to hear your opinion, value that and suggest them talking to another trusted adult. 

3. Our children are taught that they don’t have to say everything they are thinking if they are able to get it out.  Nothing we do now can change the way our child has long-been-taught.  They have social media at their fingertips, friends in their microphones during video games, and even FaceTime.  No matter what, our children are living in a world that many of us have not been that lucky to be a part of at their age.  Therefore, look for signs of nonverbal communication and listen to the signs.  If you child is suddenly withdrawn, unusually upset, extremely moody, complaining all the time about physical ailments, these things are all pointing us somewhere.  There’s usually a reason and it is important for us to be aware that their change is not always linked to something we, ourselves, are doing or in charge of.

 

SHOWING SUPPORT

Times are tough and communicating with our children can often feel like running our nails on a chalkboard; however, there are things we can do to continue to show our children the support they need, and often require, far after the conversation has ended.  Some of the things I strong support include finding out what they are into and asking them to share why they are so interested in it with you; celebrate even the smallest of victories for your children; be creative; take pictures of every small-and-large moment; handwrite a letter offering support for them; and always remembering to follow-up. 

 

NOTICING THAT YOUR CHILD IS NOT COPING WITH THE NEWS WELL

It seems like some horrible thing is happening in our world, each time we turn on the news.  While we try to shelter our children from many of the things we can so easily see on the news, it is not always so easy for us to shield our children from the things that are happening in our personal lives.  When there’s a scary diagnosis, an accident, a death, or even an upcoming divorce, our child(ren) will often see, hear, and understand far more than we realize.  The easy part in understand where are children are at with difficult news is that children tend to focus on three main questions:

1. Did I make it happen?
2. Will it happen to me?
3. Am I going to be OK?

Help your children navigate these heavy issues by being empathic, non-judgmental, and focusing on what they are feeling, thinking, and going through.  Don’t be afraid to show your children your emotions and focus on what would be appropriate for you to say to them without minimizing the event that is taking place.  Expect that a child’s behaviors may change through the stress of what is going on and know that they may need some professional help in mitigating the effects of the news.  If you or someone you love is struggling with depression or loss, or any other issue that doesn’t seem to be going away on its own, remember that there are trained professionals that are here to help.  Counselors and Therapists can also work with families who are going through these issues; please know that we are here to help.  Fresno Family Therapy offers in-person and tele-health sessions at various times throughout the day, seven days a week!  Make the call, we are here to help you!

About the Author: 

Tammie Makely, LMFT

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #113186