The term “Victim Mentality” is all over social media right now and before I get way in too deep, please let me take a moment to be clear that there is a huge difference between being a victim and having a Victim Mentality.  While TikTok, Insta, Facebook, and even YouTube-land has used this term to describe how people tend to get stuck in their own negativity and force it on others, it is in no way a formal medical term nor is it a true diagnosis.  In fact, many therapists will work to avoid this term when talking to their clients because of the true stain social media has recently placed on the term.  Still, the Victim Mentality holds three strong key beliefs.  These three beliefs include: (1) “bad things happen me and will always happen to me”, (2) “other people are to blame for what I am going through”, and (3) “there’s no point in trying to fix things in my life because it will surely fail.”  The simple truth of the matter is that people will often feel this way despite what those around them are saying.  These three strong beliefs, if not dispelled, allow the person to live in a pattern that keeps some people stuck in the belief that they are getting the short end of the stick.

When life feels like it’s just one thing after another, it’s easy to fall into the trap of “Victim Mentality”.  There’s a saying “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade” but let’s add the caveat that “when life gives you lemons, it’s important to try to make something better/sweeter for yourself.”  Still, the Victim Mindset often leaves a person feeling like they have nothing in their life they can be in control of; so, this is as easy as it sounds.  Let’s be honest, we all have those days.  We wake up late because we set our alarm incorrectly by mistake; we run out of the room to grab our clothes when we trip over our dog who usually doesn’t sleep in the hallway but for this weird time he is; we get in our car where we notice our gas meter is reading empty; we quickly drive to our closest gas station where a homeless man asks to wash our windows but demands $20 instead of the quoted $5; we finally get to work but our Office Manager is upset because she has been texting us about us being tardy but our phone is dead as our charger clearly didn’t wok the night before.  The list of possible negatives can go on-and-on.  The truth is that no one wakes up and says “I want to feel like a victim today;” however, it is a trap that many of us fall into.  We often get stuck in the land of comfort where we get to feel numb, not do much to change our views, and allow ourself to hide behind the discomfort.

While there are certainly ways that this mentality affects us, there are four distinct ways the Victim Mentality affects us, including:

1. Difficulty Sustaining Relationships

The truth of the matter is that as we push others way, blame others, and force ourselves to see only the negatives, a person can often struggle with sustaining relationships.  It has been said that the opposite of victim-mode is accountability.  While what you’re going through may be out of your control, it is still your responsibility to build a life that you would be happy with living.  There is a huge difference between the word’s “accountability” and “responsibility”.  Where accountability poses fault; responsibility allows for acceptance.  Let me explain… if I were to catch the very known “cold” or “flu” bug, I couldn’t say it’s my fault that I caught the cold; however, it is my responsibility to make sure that I limit the spreading of my cold.  Likewise, with relationships, a relationship can be struggling due to our partner (possibly) being a heavy drinker, and it is surely not our fault that our partner is choosing this lifestyle.  Still, knowing how it is affecting us is how we take responsibility for the situation.  By looking inward, asking ourself how our partner’s choices are affecting us, and asking what we need to make ourselves feel better from the situation all work to help us build a life that we view as worthy of us.

2. Difficulty Managing Tough/Complicated Feelings

People who have a Victim Mentality often see negative messages and internalize them to such an extent that they do not see how to ever change their feelings or how they view their future.  People will often seek validation by having others around them also subscribe to the idea that we are a victim.  Sure, it is normal for anyone to want the person to have wronged us to take responsibility and show accountability for what they have caused to our life; however, allowing for validation from others (anyone, even our therapist) can allow for us to see our life in such a way that we allow ourselves to move through the complicated feelings more easily and have an easier time managing the symptoms that come up, sometimes even long after, something has transpired.  My suggestion is to (1) talk to a friend in times that we are having a difficult time managing our most complicated of emotions; (2) ask yourself what we are truly experiencing and asking that need/emotion/trigger what it is that it needs so that we can fulfill it; (3) don’t try to control the uncontrollable.  Sure, there are times that these three steps will not work; however, what is the harm in trying them?

3. Feel like Everyone is Out to Get You and that No One Understands You

There are certainly times that my anxiety has gotten the best of me as I am sure it has for most of us.  When this happens, it is important to ask yourself the why behind the feeling.  If your thought is that “everyone hates me”, ask yourself the why.  Ask yourself “Why would everyone hate me?”  If you have an answer… say maybe it’s because you accidentally burnt dinner or forgot to strategically place the tooth fairy money… ask yourself, why did this happen?  I feel like the majority have parents have been able to handle the Tooth Fairy money in their child’s life but if you’re anything like me, you also know that life can get hectic, often to a point where life can feel unmanageable.  Maybe you’re experiencing paranoia, feeling lonely, feeling worthless/insecure. The truth is that this is just an issue of checking in with us, asking ourself what we need, and finding ways to support ourselves through our such intensely broad thoughts.

4. Inability to Experience Pleasure, even with Individual Successes

After someone has begun to not feel like themselves, which is often a feeling that those stuck in the Victim Mentality struggle with, they often will not understand how to experience joy, pleasure, happiness, love, etc.  This feeling of blocking that comes when we stay in the Victim Mentality for too long is often referred to as anhedonia and does not have to be caused strictly by one thing.  Anhedonia is not caused strictly from having a Victim Mentality but the Victim Mentality can cause anhedonia if not corrected.  Anhedonia is when we feel a strong disinterest in things that once caused us joy, including physical anhedonia and social anhedonia.  In social anhedonia, we can struggle to be in social gatherings but also it can feel like we don’t even desire to be around people we once enjoyed.  Whereas, physical anhedonia includes not desiring our senses to be enticed through the use of loud music, eating food, or even having sex.  Over time, having anhedonia will cause of feeling of being disconnected with our life as well as our successes.

While there is never a one-size fits all approach to life, nor should there be, having the idea that we don’t have to be stuck is bound to help us.  If you or someone you love is struggling in the Victim Mentality, allow yourself to change the narrative.  Changing the narrative; changing our views on life and the attitude we have towards things in our life; forcing our self to see that we can all improve will allow us to do just that… improve.  Remember that everyone is different.  See yourself for the beautiful human that you are.  We can all take a step towards easing our Victim Mindset today.   If you or someone you love is struggling with changing your thoughts to healthier ones, or any other issue that doesn’t seem to be going away on its own, remember that there are trained professionals that are here to help. 

Counselors and Therapists can also work with families who are going through these issues; please know that we are here to help.  Fresno Family Therapy offers in-person and tele-health sessions at various times throughout the day, seven days a week!  Make the call, we are here to help you!

About the Author: 

Tammie Makely, LMFT

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #113186