The month of November is filled with the season changing, the leaves turning, even the darkness coming sooner than before, and holidays beginning.  It’s colder outside; we are wearing warmer clothes; and we are often around family for more reasons this time of year. Ask anyone who is close to me, and they will be able to tell you that Thanksgiving is literally my favorite holiday.  I get to spend time with the people I love … cooking and chatting.  Christmas has little difference in my heart!  However, as a psychotherapist who works with people struggling with anxiety, depression, PTSD, and others, I know that the holiday season can be a time of presence, presents, and thankfulness.

Due to the holidays being seen as a time for reflection, connection, and gratitude, they often bring up an array of emotions. The holiday season is a time that we can feel thankful, grateful, indebted, pleased, and touched by others and the way that they hold a piece of our hearts throughout the year.  While each of these emotions are important, they are very similar, which is why it is so important for us to understand what each of these emotions mean, how they affect us, and how they are important during this holiday season. 

• Appreciativeness – Appreciativeness is a word that is very close to gratefulness and shows awareness for someone, not just what they do, and things that surround us.  It’s like when we tell the person who cooked the meal how much we enjoyed it or when we tell others what we enjoy about them.

• Gratefulness – Gratefulness is an emotion that is very close to thankfulness in that it shows how appreciative someone is for the people and things in their life.  Gratitude is a powerful emotion that focuses on how we feel when we receive something from someone in our life.  This can be for our furry friends, our health, our relaxation, our family, our friends, and so much more.

• Indebtedness – This is when someone is very grateful and appreciative for what they have received in their life; often occurs because of something that someone did for them.  This can often be seen in friendships but if you look a little harder, you can see it in your family as well.  Sometimes we see this in a present that we receive but whether it’s Thanksgiving or Christmas don’t feel guilty; don’t feel obligated.  This Thanksgiving try to think of the many things that people do for us with a smile on our face remembering that people would not usually do something if they don’t want to do it.

• Pleased – It’s a way that we allow ourselves to feel thankful and relieved.  This feeling can come from the way we feel after the event, whether we make the meal, a single dish, or just feel happy after having a wonderful exchange with our family after years of not enjoying the holiday events.

• Touched – this is an emotion that can come up when someone notices something that we are a part of.  Maybe someone notices your birthday is coming up or asks about your education.  Maybe someone says that they like your outfit, or they offer to help you with something you’re doing in the kitchen.  Whatever it is, take a pause and take notice.  You deserve to be noticed and to notice others.

These feelings become a tool for emotional well-being, personal growth, and can serve as a catalyst for us fostering healthier relationships this holiday season.  One of the biggest reasons for this is because of how much dopamine we create this time of year.  Who doesn’t want to think of grandma making her famous chocolate chip cookies or banana bread over the holidays?  Or how you get to go to Target, at least that’s my favorite place, just to pick up the perfect present for your sister?  These moments create the perfect mixture of positivity and nostalgia for us thus helping our brains release more dopamine.  It is this time of year that many traditions are re-visited and time with those we love are promoted more than any other time of year.  I mean after all, it is our choice to go with the flow, to be present, and to fully participate in the activities that come up for each of us this time of year.  So, what do we do?  And how do we remain grateful, thankful, and aware through this holiday season?

Being Grateful is Being Mindful

I often encourage mindfulness as a practice for my clients to use when they are not in session.  Maybe a client can work on mindful breathing, coloring in an adult coloring book, or even going on a nature walk if they are feeling stressed.  Still, with Christmas being just around the corner, make sure to make some of your favorite cookies and go gaze at some beautiful lights too.  These mindfulness practices can act as a way of anchoring my clients, and yourself, to the present moment.

In this context, thankfulness can also be used as a mindfulness activity in that it can be an active, mindful process of noticing what we each have right now, in the present, rather than focusing on what’s lacking.  Because we often look at the things that are lacking, the holidays can be an invitation to tune into the present—whether it’s the warmth of a loved one’s smile, the comfort of a shared meal, or the quiet moments of peace, this holiday season make sure to take a deep breath and encourage yourself to remain as present as you can.  Another great activity would be to write down three things you are thankful for each day from now through the New Year.  Writing these three things down each day can foster a positive shift in our mindsets, even during the holiday season.  Maybe you enjoyed grabbing a coffee with your bestie at your local Dutch Bros.  Maybe you went for a walk-and-gab with your partner.  Maybe you slept well and woke up feeling relaxed and rested.  Whatever you enjoy over the course of the day, write it down and make a mindful effort to do more of that over the course of this holiday season.  Try it out today!

Being Grateful Can Be a Tool for Emotional Healing

For individuals dealing with depression, anxiety, or grief, the process of gratitude can be a powerful way to also reframe our far too normal negative thinking patterns and thus lead us to emotional healing in ourselves. Negative thinking can be explained as a pattern of thoughts that can be harmful to us, our emotions, our behaviors, and our overall well-being.  Negative thinking can often get in the way of things that are good for us and can lead us to an increase in anxiety, depression, sadness, and even self-doubt.  To change our patterns of negative thinking, we must acknowledge the many things that we can be grateful for.  Maybe we’re thankful for our health, our beauty, our friends, or even our job.  Each time something icky enters your brain, try thinking of something positive too.  Thinking of positive things and finding reasons to be happy does not, in any way, dismiss the pain that we are currently going through.  Still, positive thoughts work to bring a sense of balance to our thoughts.  It’s a way to train our brains.  Having self-compassion and self-love can lead us to recognizing our own strengths, progress, and compassion.  When we think good things about ourselves, we release dopamine in our brains.  Dopamine is often thought of as the “feel-good” hormone and leads us to viewing our own self-worth in a more positive light.  Self-Affirmations are good for this.  An example could be that before getting out of bed, tell yourself 3-5 things you enjoyed about yourself from the day before. 

Gratitude Strengthens Our Relationships.

The holidays offer us an opportunity to express gratitude for the people who matter the most in our lives.  Expressing appreciation to loved ones—whether through a simple “thank you” or deeper expressions of appreciation—can create an emotional connection that fosters mutual respect and closeness between us and our loved ones.  For those of you who are like me, and get the social anxiety bug, before arriving at an activity, have something somewhat rehearsed.  Practice phrases such as “I love that dress” or “It was so nice to see you here tonight” or even something deeper that you’ve been waiting to tell someone.  Whatever it is, have your listening ears tuned into listen and not respond mode.  Active listening is truly a way of showing thankfulness and gratitude to the people trying to spend time with us.  As a therapist, I strongly encourage you to try to be present at any of your activities; avoid interrupting; show genuine interest by using open-ended questions; and make eye contact.  I know it can be hard when we feel so spread out already but you will notice the difference. 

Thankfulness as a Path to Resilience

Research shows that when we intentionally focus on the positive aspects of life, even amidst challenges, we can strengthen our resilience. This process of focusing on the positives can help us see that even during difficult times, there can still be reasons to feel thankful, no matter how small or uncomfortable the situation makes us.  Do you remember reading just a moment ago about how dopamine increases the more we think about a positive experience?  Well, the same can be repeated time and time again.  The truth is that every time you do something enjoyable, you can release more dopamine.  As more dopamine is released, the more you want to repeat that something you did to get it to release in the first place. 

According to Philip D. Adams of the University of Maryland in his article “Relationships, Resilience, and Wellbeing: The Science of Gratitude” (https://www.umgc.edu/blog/the-science-of-gratitude), our ability to show gratitude “bolsters our emotional resilience by motivating us to focus on the positive things in life. At the same time, it helps fight off toxic emotions, such as envy, anxiety, jealousy, and resentment, by prompting us to turn our attention outward, rather than solely on ourselves.”  Being grateful can be a very important factor in creating, forming, and building, and maintaining relationships as well.  These relationships can be with our families, our friends, and even our co-workers.  The holidays have a great way of bringing up issues that we may not have seen  as problems before; however, try to do something before any social gathering you are nervous about and you will be able to notice that we can have a more enjoyable activity just by starting it off on a positive note.  Maybe do some yoga or go for a walk before heading out the door to your Thanksgiving meal; try talking to your best friend as you are wrapping your children’s presents; try waking up a few moments before you usually do to get a breather before the hustle of every day life usually begins … anything really works but by pairing a dreaded activity with a more pleasurable one, you will be able to notice that the activity was quicker, and your spirits were higher.  Following an activity, try asking yourself some questions as a form of a check-in.  Try asking yourself: “What can I be grateful for in this moment?” or “What is this moment teaching me?” or even “how can I make the feelings that are coming up for me be more manageable in the future?” 

Like I said, the holidays are a perfect time to deepen one’s practice of gratitude, not just as a fleeting holiday sentiment, but as a transformative tool for personal and relational healing. It’s an invitation to reflect on our lives with mindfulness, acknowledge our emotional journeys with compassion, and strengthen the bonds with those around us. And the fun truth is that the more practice we have with gratitude, thankfulness can become not just something we say, but something we live.  Try being grateful for you today!  If you or someone you know is struggling to see the silver lining through the holidays, please know that Fresno Family Therapy is here to help!  Please call or text us today to make an appointment.

Resources:

Allan, Summer. The Science of Gratitude. Greater Good Magazie.. March 5, 2018

Emmons, Robert. Why Gratitude is Good.  Greater Good Magazine. November 16, 2010.

Chowdhury, Madhuleena. The Neuroscience of Gratitude and the Effects on the Brain. PositivePsychology.com. April 9, 2019. 

About the Author: 

Tammie Makely, LMFT

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #113186