When we think about physical health, we often think about physical fitness, taking breaks, going to the gym, going to the doctor, and even building our respiratory wellness.  How different are these things when we think about mental health?  How different is Physical Health from Mental Health?  Mental Health is a topic that many of us are aware of. Men’s health and mental health are closely linked; however, the connection is often overlooked.  In order for us to have health communities, more productive workplaces, and even stronger families, addressing mental health in men is essential.  Over the years of me being a therapist, I have had the opportunity to work with many men.  For my clients, I would say that me starting this article this way indicates “a precursor” meaning that I’m trying to soften the blow… because many of us are Larry.  Larry is no one in particular but rather the man who is struggling in the example; however, it is important to note that in this example, Larry shows that depression doesn’t always look like sadness but rather the idea of overworking (Larry worked long hours), irritability (Larry was snapping at his kids and picking fights with his wife), and even withdrawal (Larry was staying at work and avoiding home).  

The truth is that men often believe it is best for them to suffer in silence; however, even Prince Harry said “Being a man doesn’t mean suffering in silence.”  So what do we do instead?  If Larry was your best friend, your husband, your brother, or even your father, what would you tell him to do?  I often tell my clients that one of the best ways to think about Mental Health is to think of ways to release our distressing emotions.  I have come up with four ways to de-stress our distress 

1. Plant Your SEEDS

The concept of SEEDS is an acronym coined by John Arden, PhD, to describe the basic things a human needs in order to have mental health success.  The acronym stands for (S)leep, (E)ducation, (E)xercise, (D)iet and drinking of water, and (S)ocialization.  The common beliefs of 7-9 hours of sleep per night; learning something new each day; getting 10,000 steps in each and every day, eating 3 meals a day and drinking 2-liters of water daily, and spending time with friends and family is no less necessary than it has been in the past; however, spending time working on these as goals allows us to see that putting our basic needs above all else is crucial for our overall well being.

2. Talk about Your Feelings 

Just as Michael Phelps stated: “It’s okay to talk about your feelings.  It doesn’t make you less of a man.”  The truth is that there is no right or wrong way to express your feelings unless you choose anger.  Anger will lose every time.  Still, as caba reports “Bottling up emotions can prevent us from processing them and make them harder to handle.”  I find that practicing what you are about to say is 9 times more effective than winging it.  I believe in this so strongly that I usually tell my clients (and if I haven’t… now you know!) to take 2-3 bullet points with you when you are about to talk about your feelings.  Talk about your feelings in a way that is not only honest but forthcoming.  Be patient with yourself!  It’s not easy to learn a new skill overnight.

3. Find Coping Mechanisms that Work for You

It is important for each of us to add coping mechanisms into our daily lives.  By creating small, consistent habits, we will be able to support our own mental health without it feeling like a chore.  Sure, adding things to our daily lives takes a lot of attention to detail and time; however, by starting small, setting gentle reminders, and having a list of “this works for me” items ready for ourselves, we will be able to find ways to calm our emotions the moment that they begin to elevate.  For instance, let’s go back to our example of Larry, if Larry were to decide that he wanted to take up running or pickle ball, these would act as coping mechanisms for him that he can utilize when he wants to calm himself.  “I’m going for a run” is quite a different statement than “I hate my life.”  For after all, people don’t usually hate their life but rather how they choose to negate the time they have for themselves.  So, talk to your therapist about creating a Coping Skills Toolbox today!

4. Stop the “Shoulda,” “Woulda”, and “Coulda” statements in Your Head.

We often use the three “ulda” statements as ways to keep ourselves in the mindset that we don’t deserve, we are nothing, and/or we should try harder.  Still, it is these thoughts that keep us forming unrealistic expectations for ourselves.  Knowing that the “shoulda”, “woulda”, and “coulda” statements keep us in negativity, we need to know how to break these cycles for ourselves and keep them broken.  In order to break the tumultuous “shoulda,” “woulda”, “coulda” cycle, we must change the way we look at ourselves.  I tell clients all the time that in order to make any consistent change in our lives, we must first acknowledge why the change is needed and then work to notice when the undesirable action is occurring.  If I am write, then we must notice why we are making the self-depricating statement and then ask ourselves what we wish we were saying instead and say it.

5. Create Mental Breaks 

There are many things that we can do to create a mental break for ourselves.  Some ideas include watching a movie, turning on your Pandora radio and singing your heart out to the song that plays first, or even playing your favorite video game.  I often tell my clients that one of the best ways to create a mental break is to turn on one episode of a thirty-minute sitcom.  I mean who doesn’t love turning on their favorite episode of The Big Bang Theory while trying to decompress.  Remember that finding ways to destress yourself is key here! Some other ideas include turning on the game, finishing the manga story you’ve been wanting to read, tidying up a small space, or even writing in your journal can all help you establish your much needed mental break so that you can move on with your day knowing that you had time to do something all for you.

6. Get Physical!

It might seem like the cop out to tell yourself to “get physical” but the simple truth is that if you want an endorphin boost and pretty-instant stress reliever, exercise will hands down be the best thing for you.  So whether its doing squats every time you go to the restroom, making a plan and sticking to it at the gym, or even making sure you walk 2-3 miles a day, revving up your endorphins and having an increase in your dopamine will surely help. 

These skills are all things that men and women alike can fine tune through therapy.  After Larry’s friend went to him and asked him if he was really ok, things in Larry’s life began to slowly change.  Not only was Larry about to admit that he was struggling and truly not okay, but he was able, with the help of his friend and his wife, to find a therapist that worked with and for him.  Through therapy he was able to admit that his anger was really him feeling less-than and insecure in his own circumstances.  He was able to feel lighter, calm his stress, spend time with his friends, and find ways to re-connect with his wife and kids.  But most importantly, he was able to admit that he wasn’t weak for asking for help – he was strong for going to therapy and building a boundary for himself where he was no longer going to accept negative behaviors from himself.  After all, Larry seeking therapy was not a weakness but rather a way that he was showing respect for himself, his dreams for his future, and creating goals for himself.  

Knowing when to seek professional help for yourself or a loved one is an important role that you can play in your loved one’s life.  If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out.  There are trained therapists at Fresno Family Therapy here to help you figure this all out.  Please call (559) 795-5990 today; we are here to help you!

Resources:

Caba:  https://www.caba.org.uk/your-health/your-mental-health/managing-mental-health/how-talk-feelings.html

Cleveland Clinic (May 23, 2024).    https://health.clevelandclinic.org/tips-for-taking-care-of-mens-mental-healthhttps://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapsychiatry/fullarticle/2720689#google_vignette

About the Author:

Tammie Makely, LMFT

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #113186

• Addiction
• Trauma
• Couples Therapy
• Sex Addiction
• Anger Management
• Sexual Abuse
• EMDR
• Grief/Loss
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Stress management
• Co-Occurring Disorders
• Codependency Issues