Wren is a 29-year-old, female, marketing coordinator who has been preparing for a big presentation at work for almost two weeks.  It was her first time presenting to her senior leadership and she was hopeful that everything would be perfect.  As she took the podium, she could feel her nerves setting in through the churning in her stomach and as she looked at the people in her audience, you know the ones intently listening to her, she dropped her note cards.  “Perfect disaster,” she muttered to herself.  She became flustered, her pulse raised, her hands became sweaty, and she felt as though she stumbled through all of the things she wanted to say.  When the presentation finally came to an end, she rushed out of the room, ran to the bathroom, closed the stall door, and whispered: “You sure blew it, didn’t you?”  For the rest of the day, Wren’s thoughts spiraled with ways she could have prevented dropping the cards, and how she will be fired before asked to give a big presentation in front of the Senior Leadership team ever again.  By the evening, Wren had even convinced herself that her career was basically over.

I, like so many of you, are constantly concerned about the would’ve-could’ve-should’ve thoughts that only lead me later to believe that I did something wrong or made me feel like I was certainly not enough.  Sure, Wren’s way of thinking was not the would’ve-could’ve-should’ve thinking but rather catastrophic thinking.  There are several Cognitive Distortions that we each experience.  All of us have these moments where we allow our brain to jump to the worst conclusion that can happen and play that out in our mind; it’s as if we think about these things long enough we can narrow down all the negative scenarios that could possibly happen thus limiting our negative emotions and causing us to not have to feel the shame, fear, anxiety, and worry that we have repeatedly in our lives.  I bet this idea of limiting threats comes from those primal times when people had to be on high alert for predators, anticipate our threats, and limit our sense of danger – today, we don’t have to worry so much about being eaten by a lion.  Still, we worry about our physical and emotional safety, limiting our own anxieties and worries, feeling strong, feeling like we have autonomy or a sense of control, and more.  I tell my clients that the two things we need in life are safety and control. 

Safety – we all have the basic need to feel safe.  We need to feel like we are free from things that can cause us emotional, mental, and physical harm; we need to feel like we have people who trust us and support us; we need to feel like we can relax; we need to feel like we have the coping mechanisms to minimize our own stress so we can clear our minds and lighten our temperament.  

Control – studies show that understanding and having control of our own beliefs allows us to (1) know when to say “yes” and “no” to conditions that others bring; (2) offers clarity; (3) leads us to spend time with people who share our core values; (4) offers a perspective that we can live with even after our perceived threats are gone; and more.  

If you’re like me and struggle with anxiety, depression, stress, or even worry about the things that you don’t have yet in your life, I bet you understand how difficult it is to change your negative thoughts into positive ones.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Aaron Beck, a psychiatrist who is considered to be the father of Cognitive Therapy, called this way of thinking, you know the ones where we get the negative thoughts stuck in our head more than the positive ones, “Cognitive Distortions” or “Distorted Thinking”.  Beck, after meeting with hundreds of patients, discovered that most people were led by one of ten negative thoughts that, if left unnoticed, led people to form opinions that were biased, misinformed, and would be ultimately harmful for them.  Out of the harm that people caused themselves, emerged Cognitive Behavioral Therapy where the goal became to guide people to change their deeply held beliefs about their world and themselves.  Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is based around the premise that our own interpretations of situations influence our reactions more so than the situation itself.  If you are to think of these in links, you would see that with any situation comes an immediate thought.  Once our immediate thought comes, our emotions begin to flood.  The mixture of our thoughts and emotions lead to our actions, which lead us to both negative and positive consequences.  If at any time, the thought was distorted in nature (i.e. the “distorted thought”), the person’s emotional and behavioral reactions would be altered thus altering the person’s consequences.  

Schema Therapy

While it is true that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy focuses on the thoughts and behavioral choices that someone is making in their here-and-now, Schema Therapy’s focus is one step further.  Schema Therapy focuses on the past as well as the present and the different core themes/maladaptions of thought that force us to continue with patterns that are not good for us.  Our “schema” is the pattern that we see ourselves in no matter the situation.  So, if we were to force ourselves to look at our schema, we would look at our emotional states and coping responses that we experience in different situations.  It’s like if Cognitive Behavioral Therapy looks at how our immediate thoughts determine the emotions we have and actions we take, then Schema Therapy looks at the underlying themes/emotions that outline our emotional needs.  It has been stated that: “Schema theory hypothesises that early maladaptive schemas are produced due to an interaction between core emotional needs of a child not being met and the individual’s natural temperament.  ” (Young, J; Klosko, J and Weishaar, M; 2003).  Our temperament, in Schema Therapy, therefore is thought to be the way that we respond to the met and unmet emotional needs.  

Core Needs

In Schema Therapy, it is believed that we all have the same five Core Needs, which include:

1. Autonomy, Competence and a Sense of Self – There are two forms to our identity: personal identity and social identity.  Our personal identity refers to the way that we see the world, the way we feel about things, and the way that we act independently (without our caregivers).  Our social identity refers to the way we would like others around us to feel we are, see us as, and the attachments we have to those in our social groups, such as with our family and friends.
2. Freedom to Express our Needs and Emotions – Having the ability to express our needs, wants, desires, emotions, and thoughts are key to positive and successful development.  As children we yearn for emotional regulation as we explore our world; whereas, as adults we search for ways to handle the things that we have provided to ourselves in both healthy and maladaptive forms.  Let’s think of it this way, the song “To be a Man” by Dax illustrates the difficulties men often struggle with while providing a home for their family.  One line shows the difficulties that men often face as Dax sings out “I know this life can really beat you down…you wanna scream but you won’t make a sound.  Got so much weight that you’ve been holding but won’t show any emotion, as a man, that goes unspoken.  That we can’t cry when life gets hard.  Unconditional love for women, children, and dogs.  We know that we just have to play our parts.  And don’t nobody give a damn about our broken hearts.”  While the song portrays the struggles that men often find themselves in, I would also ask… what do we do if we can’t meet our own emotional needs?
3. Secure Attachments to those we Value – John Bowlby, the psychologist who studied Attachment Bonds for years, described an attachment as a bond that we have to someone “from the cradle to the grave.”  While there are many reasons why a child may not have a secure attachment to their primary caregivers, secure attachments are formed due to consistency to regimen and people.  Whereas, insecure attachments are formed by primary caregivers who respond differently to each situation and often offer inconsistent consequences.
4. Realistic Limits and Rules for Ourselves – Learning to follow limits and rules as a child, often allows us to form healthy boundaries in our adulthood.  Households vary, as do rules.  I am in no way trying to say that my parenting or my childhood was better than anyone’s, however, if a child is raised in an environment where the rules are rigid, they often feel like their way of doing things is the only way.  The child may feel like in order to feel loved, they must do well.  
5. Spontaneity and Play – We all know what this one is, correct?  Play is the idea that we are allowed to have fun.  However, if in our childhood we had high expectations placed on us to achieve in school, be a positive caregiver for our siblings, or even run the house, the idea of play and spontaneity is not always something every child is able to succeed at.  

What happens if our Core Needs are Not Met?

Life isn’t just about the special moments that make us feel loved, seen, understood, and appreciated.  It’s about being validated for the needs that we have.  These needs – like safety, attunement with self and our emotions, love, autonomy, and validation – form the foundation for us to have a healthy self-esteem and pro-social relationships.  If we do not have these needs come to fruition, we often struggle with different maladaptive behaviors, thoughts, and emotions.  Therefore, our unmet childhood needs can directly contribute to that of cognitive distortions, you know the negative ways that we think about life, ourselves, and the way that we see the world.  The negative thing that we begin to do in an effort to protect ourselves, most often hurts us in the end.  Imagine this cycle:

Core Needs are Denied

As illustrated in Schema Therapy, we all have Core Needs.  They are things that will help us flourish and things that will help us feel seen, loved, appreciated, and understood.  If, for any reason, our core needs are not met, we begin to feel as though we are not worth the work to have our Core Needs met.  Some general examples of unmet Core Needs include: (1) being criticized, (2) being ignored, (3) being controlled, (4) feeling emotionally unsafe, (5) not having people respond to us with consistent responses or reactions, (6) not being allowed self-expression, or even (7) not being loved unconditionally.  

Core Beliefs are Formed

If our Core Needs are denied often enough, we begin to feel like we have done something wrong.  Think of it this way:  it is much easier for us to think there is something wrong with us, then for us to see something wrong with some other person in our life.  Therefore, when our Core Needs are denied often enough, we begin to see this as an issue with us and start to remind ourselves that we are the problem.  When we begin to believe that we are the problem for long enough, we begin to experience negative Core Beliefs about ourselves.  Some general examples of negative Core Beliefs include: (1) “I’m not good enough”, (2) “The world is unsafe”, (3) “I don’t matter”, “I’m unlovable”, (4) “I’m not good enough”, or even (5) “I have to be perfect for others to accept me.”

Core Belief Fuels our Cognitive Distortions

Because our Core Beliefs are formed, they often fuel our own Cognitive Distortions about the world and our place in the world.  These Cognitive Distortions work as ways for us to filter our experiences.  There are ten Cognitive Distortions that are most common with people.  The most common Cognitive Distortions include: (1) All-or-Nothing Thinking; (2) Catastrophizing; (3) Discounting the Positive; (4) Emotional Reasoning; (5) Jumping to Conclusions; (6) Magnification or Minimization; (7) Mental Filtering; (8) Overgeneralization; (9) Personalization; (10) Should’ve-Would’ve-Could’ve Statements.

Cycle Reinforces Itself … So, that way when another negative experience occurs, the same cycle emerges and the same Negative Belief is reinforced.  As the same cycle repeats itself, we are pushed to 

Now, let’s add Wren’s experience into the dynamic.  Wren was nervous about her big presentation in front of the Senior Leadership team.  She dropped all of her note cards.  (Negative Experience)  She wanted to do well.  (Core Need Denied)  Because she dropped her note cards, she began to tell herself that she messed it all up (Cognitive Belief) and she would likely be fired. (Cognitive Distortion).  

These distorted patterns in our thoughts, the ones that were often formed to keep us feeling safe and protected, are usually the ones that keep us feeling long-lasting negative effects as well.  These long-lasting negative effects due to our unmet needs usually force us to do one of the following things: (1) Create and Enact Avoidance Behaviors; (2) Develop Maladaptive Core Beliefs; (3) Struggle to Find our Purpose; (4) Experience Emotional Dysregulation; and (5) Accept a Low Self-Esteem.

10 Cognitive Distortions

Earlier I told you what the ten most common Cognitive Distortions are.  Here I will list them, explain them, and tell you what to do about them.

1. All-or-Nothing Thinking

This cognitive distortion has a person seeing things in the right/wrong, all/nothing, black/white way.  There is absolutely no middle ground in this distorted thinking pattern.  Let’s use the example of Brynnlie with her anatomy exam.  She had been trying to memorize the parts of the human heart for over two weeks.  She studied; she practiced; she even explained it to a few other students in her class aloud.  She wanted a 100% but instead got a 94%, she mixed up two of the marts.  Instantly her head said “I failed; I didn’t get 100%.  I’m so stupid.”  

Not one person without this form of distorted thinking is going to think that a 94% is a failing grade.  Why?  Because a 94% is an excellent grade but also knowing that Brynnlie had merely switched two parts when she was labeling the heart, shows how ready she really was for this exam.  So, what do we do about it?  As a person who used to struggle with this form of distorted thinking, I would say that the one thing that helped me the most was to look at the facts.  Is a 94% on an exam truly a failing grade? No!  Why do I feel like it’s a failing grade when it’s clearly not? Because I was aiming for perfection.  Is there anything wrong with the grade I got?  No.  What can I do about it in the future?  Look at the grade and base it on fact and then ask myself what I can do to prepare myself more for the exam the next time.

2. Overgeneralization

This cognitive distortion has a person seeing one singular event as a never-ending pattern of defeat.  There is nothing a person can do but sit in their faulty belief that they have made a mistake and that their mistake shows them that they are not _____ (you fill in the blank).  For many, it’s the idea that they are not good enough.  Let’s use the example of Dawson.  Dawson was applying for jobs.  Dawson had been applying for jobs for almost seven months when he finally got an email requesting a job interview.  Dawson was excited for the opportunity to work at Whole Foods as this is the place that he shops for food the most.  He prepared for the interview, reading all that he could about how the place began, reading the mission statement, and even working to memorize the hours of most of the stores.  When he went to the interview, he even wore a perfectly chosen outfit that he wore to the interview.  Dawson went to the interview and felt like the interview went well.  At the end of the interview, the hiring manager even told Dawson that he should expect an email with follow-up steps.  Dawson never received the follow-up interview so after about a week, he decided to reach back out himself to the hiring manager, which is when he received an automated email from Whole Foods stating that they had decided to move forward with other applicants.  Dawson was crushed.  I mean, who doesn’t love everything about Whole Foods?!  Instantly Dawsons’ thought went to “I never get jobs.  It’s always the same – they don’t want me.  I mess everything up.”  

We must challenge Dawson’s thought here… Does he always mess up?  Is this a pattern?  Has he never been able to get past an interview?  One thought that can challenge Dawson’s unhealthy and distorted thought of “I mess everything up” is to have him ask himself the questions I just posed and to make sure he, or even me at times, don’t stay in the negative.  One challenge to Dawson’s thought could be that “One interview is not a pattern.  I’ve had wins before because I’ve had jobs before.  All I can do is keep improving.”

3. Mental Filtering 

This cognitive distortion has the person only seeing the negative and ignoring all of the positives.  It’s as if the one negative is literally spoiling all of the positives.  Have you ever heard the phrase “Don’t let one bad apple spoil the bunch”?  This is what the person whose cognitive distortion allows… they allow that one bad thing spoil all the good.  Lennox has an art show.  Lennox prepared, completed new pieces, and chose out some of her favorites from previous shows to display at the art show her friend was hosting for her at a nearby gallery.  She worked hard, chose good foods, and even made a ton of new business cards so that she could continue to get her name out there.  After the art show, Lennox read the messages on her social media pages about her show.  While there were over 20 positive messages from people who seemed to love her work, there were also two statements who left mild critiques.  Instantly, Lennox thought to herself:  “No one liked my show.  I’m not cut out for this.”

By asking yourself when you are in Lennox’s position if no one liked her show, we can see that this form of cognitive distortion left Lennox paralyzed.  She could only see the negatives and struggled to see the positive thoughts.  It’s important for Lennox, like many of us, to challenge her initial thought with questions like… “Why am I focusing on the two negatives when I got over twenty positives?”  By having Lennox really work on figuring out what she gained from looking at the negatives, she is forced to see that she had plenty of positive statements and reviews.  In fact, she had one negative for every ten or more positive statements/comments.  Isn’t that more factual?

4. Discounting the Positives

This cognitive distortion has the person rejecting any positive they may experience and insist that they don’t count because the positive is the fluke, when it should be the other way around.  Marco prepared and prepared for his debate speech.  He wrote it out several times ensuring that he knew the order of events that he wanted to cover.  He read it in the mirror, marched around while reading it to get it to a certain beat that his head would remember, and even read it to his girlfriend, Ashley, a few times.  Every time he read it aloud to Ashley, he felt like she was only telling him what she had to say as his girlfriend.  Finally, the day of his debate speech came.  He delivered the speech well.  After the applause following his speech and several compliments, he told himself “They were just being nice to me.  It really wasn’t good at all.”

Nothing inside of this experience was formed in an effort where things went wrong.  In fact, the speech went well.  Marco delivered the speech successfully; the applause proved that.  Still, he discounted that something good could be happening for him as he immediately told himself “They were just being nice to me.  It really wasn’t good at all.”  This statement worked to discount the positive experience that Marco had just had.  So, what do we do about it?  Again, we challenge that thought… we ask ourselves:  “What if the praise is genuine?  What if I just accepted the praise?  Why not accept that I did something well?”  

5. Jumping to Conclusions

This cognitive distortion has the person making assumptions about something that do not include any facts.  It has the person act in a few different ways – one is that the person acts like a Fortune Teller and the other leads the person to Mind Reading.  Both ways of thinking (i.e. the Fortune Teller and the Mind Reader) leads the person to form conclusions about an event without any fact.  

Mind Reader – Ella was telling her best friend, Portia, all about her weekend.  Portia did not appear interested in what Ella was telling her, which led Ella to assume that Portia was upset and distracted.  Ella’s instant thought was “She must be mad at me” even without the evidence to support that Portia was mad at her.  What should Ella do?  By immediately questioning where Ella’s thought came from, Ella is able to see that nowhere in the conversation did Portia tell Ella that Portia was upset, mad, or anything.  Ella stopped talking and went with her gut.  Ella asked Portia “Are you ok?  You seem distracted.”  Portia responded with “I’m ok.  I just had a long weekend and I’m really tired.”  By Ella questioning her friend, she was immediately able to see that her first thought that Portia was mad at her was not the case.  Sure, Ella jumped to conclusions about the way Portia was acting and therefore feeling but by asking Portia how she was, she was able to see that her initial reaction was incorrect.  

Fortune Teller – The Fortune Teller is slightly different from that of the Mind Reader.  Where the Mind Reader jumps to conclusions and fills in the blank of what is going on in front of them, the Fortune Teller works to predict how a situation will go.  Let’s take Ashmere for instance.  Ashmere is going on a date.  Ashmere is nervous about the date but has made reservations, planned out his outfit accordingly, and even has an activity planned for if they want to spend time together after the meal.  You know, if it goes well.  Right before the date, Ashmere thinks to himself:  “I don’t even know why I’m trying.  I know this will be awkward.  It’ll go badly, just like it always does.”  Unlike the Mind Reader, the Fortune Teller is not able to ask the other person for the facts.  Therefore, they must ask themselves for the facts.  Ashmere must question his thought on his own.  He must challenge his initial thought by asking and responding to himself, which can be something like “Well, how do I know how it will go?  Sure the last two dates went poorly but isn’t that what dating is all about?  I don’t know how this will go.  It might even go well.  I guess I’ll know by whether or not we choose to continue hanging out after we eat at the restaurant.”

6. Magnification or Minimization

This cognitive distortion works as the person minimizes the positives in their life or in their situation and exaggerates (creates more) negatives for themselves to process.  This is when the person only sees the negatives.  An example of this would be Terra during her work meeting.  Terra had been preparing for weeks for a major meeting that she was supposed to present at.  (Remind you of anyone? Wren.)  She studied her materials, decided on the activity to lead with, and worked to formulate bullet points for her meeting.  Terra even went to the store and bought her team yummy bagels and coffee from Starbucks.  At the start of the meeting, as she was ushering her team to grab the bagels and coffee, she grabbed a cup of coffee for herself.  Tragedy struck!  She spilled her carefully prepared cup of coffee all over her white satin blouse.  What a mess.  Terra thought:  “Everyone thinks I’m a mess.  I totally ruined everything.”  Still, she went to the front of the workroom and presented her heart out.  She talked to them about the budget, the goals for the new quarter, and led a discussion on ways to create work-life balance even with the new expectations for the team and herself.  After the meeting, Terra was asked to go to Matteo’s office.  “I know I ruined things,” said Terra to Matteo, her boss. “Ruined what?” Matteo asked.  “The meeting,” responded Terra.  Instead of Matteo absorbing the negative thought that Terra had, he offered her the position of Project Manager with a substantial raise during the project.  Terra accepted.  On her way home from work, Terra’s boyfriend, Dalton, called to ask how the meeting went.  While Terra told Dalton of the new position during the project, Terra struggled to see this as a positive.  She was stuck in the feeling as well as her fear that she had “ruined everything.”  

Terra was struggling to challenge her cognitive distortion.  She was stuck in the Magnification and Minimization Distortion.  She could only see what was going wrong and that she had spilled the coffee.  She was stuck on exaggerating the negative of her spilling her coffee even when it had no bearing on the outcome of the meeting.  She, in fact, was so stuck on her spilling her coffee on her white, satin blouse that she was not able to process or begin to process that she was offered the job of Project Manager with a substantial increase in her pay.  She was minimizing the outcome of the meeting: (1) job promotion and (2) wage increase.  How could she challenge this?  Terra would need to change her thought that she had “ruined the meeting” because she had not and focused more on the issue.  Yes, she had spilled the coffee but everyone has accidents.  “Spilling coffee isn’t the end of the world.  While I surely embarrassed myself with a spilling of brown all over my white, satin blouse but accidents happen to everyone.”

7. Emotional Reasoning

The cognitive distortion of Emotional Reasoning leaves the person believing that something is true because they feel it so strongly.  Have you ever told yourself something so many times that you just start to believe it?  Like if you told yourself that you were fat and said it so many times that you just believe it in your core.  Ben told himself that he was a failure so every time he struggled with a test, he could not see anything more than validation in the fact that he was a failure.  With every test at school he failed, every time he got into an argument with his mom, or even every time he and his girlfriend had a little tiff, he would tell himself that he was a failure.  “I feel like a failure, so I must be one,” thought Ben.  Is this true? No.  Sure, we can all say that we struggle with things but the truth is that he is not a failure; therefore, he must challenge it.  A challenge statement for this type of distortion could be “Feelings aren’t facts.  What would the evidence say?”

8. Should’ve – Could’ve – Would’ve Statements

The cognitive distortion of the Should’ve-Could’ve-Would’ve statement uses a rigid, unrealistic set of rules for ourselves or for others in our life.  While this cognitive distortion often works to keep our boundaries intact, it also leads us to feelings of frustration, guilt, and shame.  This cognitive distortion implies that there’s only one way of handling things, one way of behaving, and one way of thinking; however, it ignores the person’s needs and often forces us to criticize ourselves in ways that force negative feelings for ourselves.  Whitney having a hard week is a good example of this cognitive distortion.  Whitney had a long week.  She worked overtime, approximately 11 hours of it, because the nurse where she works quit unexpectedly.  She went to the gym four out of the last five days and even forced herself to make her meals at home because she didn’t want to waste any money.  “No buying out,” she would tell herself.  She was also a full-time student in a Nurse Practitioner program that she was about ⅓ of the way finished with.  She was going in all directions and burning her candle at all sides.  One could say that Whitney was having a long week.  On Sunday, she felt like she had no energy and decided to rest as much as she could instead of doing the household chores.  Then around 9pm, a thought crept into Whitney’s head: “I should’ve cleaned the apartment today.  I’m so lazy.  I’m always supposed to clean on Sundays, no exceptions.”

The important thing about this form of thoughts is that, sure, we only believe there is one way of doing things but also there will be times that we are too strict on ourselves.  The key here is to replace the “should” part of her statement with “I’d prefer to…” or “I usually….”  because this softens the pressure and allows for those who struggle with this form of cognitive distortion to be more flexible with themselves.  The reframe here would be the acceptance that we cannot do everything and do it well.  Whitney was doing school work, working overtime, and cooking for herself.  She was busy.  Whitney’s positive reframe can be something similar to… “I wanted to clean today like I usually do but I was too tired and needed a break.  I’m exhausted.  I’ll make a plan to do it on my next day off so I don’t get too far behind. Rest is important too.”

9. Labeling

The cognitive distortion of labeling leaves people defining themselves and others based on one bad choice, one misbehavior, or even one mistake.  Malachai ran around doing errands all day.  He went to the mall to buy his mother her birthday present.  He went to the grocery store to buy his haul of food for the week.  He went to the nearby Target to buy the toiletries he was running out of.  He went to T-Mobile to pay his phone bill.  He then stopped by the nearby Me-N-Eds to grab pizza for him and his girlfriend to eat when she got off of work.  He went into Me-N-Ed’s, placed his order for a Hot Hawaiian pizza, waited for the pizza to cook, and then went back out to his car.  When he got back to his car, he realized that he had locked his keys inside of his car.  Upon noticing this, Malachai’s initial thought was “I’m so stupid.  I mess up everything.”  

Instantly he labeled himself as stupid and a messer-up of things.  He needs to challenge this.  Malachai needs to challenge this by asking for the facts that support him being (1) stupid and (2) a messer-up of things.  Sure, he locked his keys in the car but that does not make him stupid; it makes him human.  He did not mess up everything, but he did lock his keys in the car.  A challenging thought that Malachai can use is “Forgetting something doesn’t make me stupid.  It makes me someone who forgot his keys in their car.  It makes me human.” 

10. Personalization and Blame

The cognitive distortion of Personalization and Blame works by blaming yourself for the things that we cannot fully control or by blaming others excessively.  

Personalization – this is when you blame yourself for everything even when the things that make the everything aren’t entirely under your control.  It’s when you take everything personally, blame yourself for everything, and make sure that you hold yourself in the feelings of guilt, shame, and anxiety.  An example of personalization is if your friend cancels dinner plans with you last minute.  Maybe your thought after this happens would be for you to think “I must have done something wrong.  I knew she wouldn’t want to hang out with me.”  This thought is not true so by challenging your initial thought of “I must have done something wrong”, you will be able to see the reality that your friend was having a family emergency, the family emergency was not about you, and that your friend felt bad about having to cancel last minute.

Blame – this is the exact opposite of personalization because you are not blaming yourself for the events that are going wrong but rather blaming everyone else for the events taking place.  You woke up late for work even though you promised you would be the person to bring the coffee for your work team.  When you get to work with no coffee, you notice that your favorite co-worker, Priya, is upset and quiet.  Instantly you think that you not having time to get the coffee for Priya is what is making her quiet and upsetting her.  This cognitive distortion leads you to feeling resentful, helpless and like you are, in turn, upset with Priya.  She’s upset so you’re upset.  Your instant thought was “If they wanted the coffee, they should have sent a text to remind me this morning.  That would have woke me up.  This isn’t my fault, it’s theirs.”  The reality is that yes, you forgot to set your alarm.  Yes, you woke up late.  Yes, you didn’t have time to grab everyone’s coffee.  No, you don’t know that Priya is upset about her lack of coffee.  Still, the reframe can be that “I made a mistake and can fix it if I talk to my boss.”  

How can Wren Cope with her Cognitive Distortion

A few days later, Wren had an appointment with her therapist.  She described the meeting and said, “I completely failed.  There’s no way they have respect for me now!”  Wren’s therapist gently asked Wren, “What makes you believe that it was a complete failure?”  Wren paused…. “I froze … I messed up my wording… I could see the VP checking his phone…  I looked stupid… They think I’m stupid.”  The therapist gently replied, “Is it possible you’re only focusing on what went wrong?  Can we look at the full picture?”  

We all hold our own beliefs about what we do, how we do it, and the beliefs we hold.  Still, there are a few questions to ask yourself when trying to figure out how to work in a world where your own cognitive distortions can be hindering your ability to succeed.  These questions include: 

What were some of the messages you told yourself in order to not have your feelings hurt in your younger years?  Which needs do you feel like were met in your childhood? Which needs do you feel like you meet for yourself?  What is your inner dialogue?  What positive consequences have you experienced from your inner schema being one that is negative?  What negative consequences have you experienced from your inner schema being one that is positive?  

How to Change my Negative Thoughts to more Positive Ones

Shifting our negative thoughts into more positive ones is not that easy to do.  Together, Wren and her therapist worked to explore Wren’s thoughts and actively walked through the meeting again – more objectively this time.  Through this re-look Wren was able to see that we had prepared thoroughly, answered the questions that were asked of her well, and one manager even complimented her slides afterwards.  

Sure, it’s about taking responsibility for our thoughts and having an awareness that allows us to know our inner thoughts; however, there are several things that we can do to change our negative thoughts to more positive ones.  Let’s use Wren’s experience to illustrate how this would exactly work:  

Identity the Distortion – It is important to begin noticing what thoughts are going on between our two ears.  Further, it is important to start labeling these thoughts as well.  Take a look a few paragraphs up.  Did any of these common Cognitive Distortions stick out to you?  Did you notice that you do one or two more than the rest?  If so, which one or two of them do you feel like you do?  Don’t just tell yourself that now you have to stop doing that because, guess what, that is just not going to happen.  It’s taken you awhile to get into the pattern of thinking this way; therefore, it is going to take you awhile to stop the pattern of thinking this way.  An example of this would be …. I am a catastrophizer.  I am also someone who uses a lot of “could’ve – would’ve – should’ve” statements.  So, if we were to use my two more Cognitive Distortions, we could easily imagine me saying things like “This is the worst thing that could happen” or even “I should have been able to do it perfectly.”  

Still, in the case of Wren, she was able to see that her thoughts of “I mess everything up” and “I am going to be fired” were catastrophizing in nature. Wren was asked by her therapist to identify the distortion by looking at how she used statements of “everything” and “going to be”.  

Challenge the Distortion – When we notice the Distorted Thought, we need to ask ourselves questions that work to dispute the thought.  Ask yourself questions like “What is the proof that this is true?” or “Is this thought helping or hurting me?”  By asking yourself to examine the distorted thought, we are able to look for ways that find a more balanced truth.  Let’s continue with the example of my common Cognitive Distortions.  If I were to mess up in a session and tell myself, “you always mess up in sessions”, I would have a distorted form of thinking.  This is what we call catastrophic thinking.  Now that I know the statement I made and can tell what type of distortion I have made in my thinking patterns, it is important for me to challenge my own thinking.  It is important for me to ask myself if this is a truthful thought and if the thought is helping me or hurting me.   From this, I can see that there is no possible way for me to ALWAYS mess up in sessions or I would have no clients that continue to keep their scheduled appointments with me.  

Wren was asked to walk her therapist through the experience and look for positive things that also happened.  The therapist was not looking for only positive things in Wren’s experience but rather to add them into the experience so that Wren could have a more thorough understanding with a healthy and balanced thought.  The therapist explained cognitive distortions and how Wren’s way of catastrophizing was warping her view.  From this, Wren was able to see that “One moment did not ruin the entire thing.  I had a setback, but it wasn’t a total failure.”

Reframe the Distortion –  Reframing our thoughts truly means just that–reframe.  We must change the way that we view the thought in order to see that the negative thought may not be the only form of reality.  This is the time that we take those questions and put them to work,  This is the time that we develop those alternative thoughts and reframe them into more balanced thoughts.  It’s not time for us to say that everything now has to be positive because, guess what, this would be just another distorted way of thinking.  Still, by developing alternative thoughts through the practice of reframing our thoughts, we are able to focus on thoughts that are more healthy and helpful for us down the road.  So, the next time you have a big test looming over your shoulders, instead of saying something like “I always fail,” try something like “all I can do is prepare as much as I can” or “I can try my hardest.”  

Positive Reframe Formula

Something else you can try is to try a Positive Reframe Formula.  A good formula to try would be:

“Even though (negative part), I am (positive / balanced part).”

It’s not always easy to just say the positive and, like I stated earlier, it’s not good to just see the positive; however, using this reframe can prove to ultimately be helpful because we are able to see that even when there are negatives, we can see the positives too.  

Distorted Thought – I’m always sad.

Balanced Thought – Even though I’m sad right now, I can still enjoy this moment.

Reframing, still, takes a lot of work and practice.  You can’t just do it once and think that this is going to fix it all.  We have to make the idea of this positive reframe a habit and the only way to make this a habit is to do the things that will reinforce it for ourselves, such as telling ourselves positive affirmations in the mirror, using behavioral activation techniques to visualize how this can reframe can help, and even journaling.  Most of my clients know that I hate journaling, so if I’m mentioning it, it must be helpful in one way or another.  If we were to continue to use the example of Wren, we would have to see that Wren’s anxiousness and embarrassment was hard for her.  She needs to prepare for that in the future.  Now, if Wren all of a sudden started tracking her Cognitive Distortions and her Distorted Thinking Patterns, she would began to challenge them more easily.

Old Thought – “I blew it – they think I’m a failure.  I’m going to be fired.”

New Thought – “I had some issues and was way too nervous.  Still, I got my message across.  Next time, I will be prepared and have more than one way of organizing my thoughts.  I’ll also bring a sheet of paper with the bullet points I want to make sure I address in case I drop my note cards again.”

What to do IF You Cannot Change a Thought

Cognitive Distortions, such as with the example of Wren, can make one mistake feel like the end of the world – but with awareness and practice, we can all train our brain to see our realities more clearly.  Once you get into the habit of thinking in a more positive and balanced way, you will notice that this is the new pattern of your thinking.  Gone will be the days of most of your distorted thinking patterns.  Still, there will be times where your more positive and balanced way of thinking will get off track.  For those rare times, it will be important for you to show yourself grace.  Grace to keep learning; grace to continue practicing; grace to know that you are a work of art and just like any other work of art, all you can do is work on progression.  So, don’t worry if you cannot change a thought.  Sounds easy enough, right?!  Just tell yourself that changing your thoughts is more about learning to recognize your distorted thinking than it is about being perfect.  We need to learn to be more flexible.  Think back to the two words that I told you I tell all of my clients they need – safety and control.  We need to feel safe enough with ourselves to make mistakes; safe enough to allow ourselves to learn from setbacks; and safe enough to know that we can try again.  According to Better Health, “Reframing your thoughts is about learning to think more flexibly and be more in control.  If you can learn to identify and separate unhelpful thoughts from helpful ones, you can find a different way to look at the situation.”  We need to be able to be in control of our thoughts, our emotions, our behaviors, and even our actions.  Still, by being in control of our thoughts, we are often able to change the way we think.  

If you try these things and still find it difficult for yourself to change your thoughts from negative ones to more healthy and balanced ones, we are here to help.  Therapists, here at Fresno Family Therapy, are trained to help guide your through our structured, evidence-based methods that not only identify and challenge your negative thoughts but also help you reshape your unhelpful thinking patterns.  We will help you identify your negative thought patterns and spot your cognitive distortions.  We will help you challenge your unhelpful thoughts, behaviors, and beliefs.  We will teach you further reframing skills that many of us often need when struggling with our own Cognitive Distortions.  In short, we won’t just tell you to “think more positively,” we will teach you how to think in a more balanced way that illustrates your own compassion, love and trust with yourself.  

If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out.  There are highly trained therapists at Fresno Family Therapy here to help you change your negative thoughts into more healthy and balanced thoughts.  Please call (559) 795-5990 today; we are here to help.  Let’s get our thoughts more balanced!

Resources

Beck, J. & Fleming, S.  (June 18, 2021).  “A Brief History of Aaron T. Beck, MF, and Cognitive Behavior Therapy.  Retrieved from:  https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9667129/ 

Beck, A. (2011).  “Cognitive Therapy of Depression.”  Guilford Press.

Better Health.  “Reframing Unhelpful Thoughts.”  Retrieved from:  https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/mental-wellbeing-tips/self-help-cbt-techniques/reframing-unhelpful-thoughts/ 

Brown University Health Blog Team.  (April 6, 2022).  “The Power of Positive: Reframing a Negative Outlook.”  Retrieved from:  https://www.brownhealth.org/be-well/power-positive-reframing-negative-outlook

Burns, D. (1980).  “Feeling Good:  The New Mood Therapy.”  Avon Books.

Johnson, E. (February 26, 2021).  “What are the Emotional Needs of a Child?”  Retrieved from:  https://cpdonline.co.uk/knowledge-base/safeguarding/emotional-needs-of-a-child/ 

Pennebaker, J. (1997),  “Opening Up:  The Healing Power of Expressing Emotions.”  Guilford Press.

Wallace, M.  (October 10, 2017).  “Understanding Children’s Emotional Needs.”  Retrieved from:  https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/how-raise-happy-cooperative-child/201710/understanding-childrens-emotional-needs 

Young, J; Klosko, J and Weishaar, M (2003).  “Schema Therapy: A Practitioner’s Guide.”  Guilford Press. 

About the Author: 

Tammie Makely, LMFT

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #113186

• Addiction
• Trauma
• Couples Therapy
• Sex Addiction
• Anger Management
• Sexual Abuse
• EMDR
• Grief/Loss
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Stress management
• Co-Occurring Disorders
• Codependency Issues