For the past few months, I have been doing a deep dive into the world of emotional neglect, which is not a new topic of interest. In fact, I first heard and started studying about this term in the early 2010s, but it had been part of child abuse research as far back as the early 2000s. For today’s post, I hope to raise awareness on what emotional neglect is, how emotional neglect sneaks into loving and well-meaning homes and families, and how to proceed if it is in yours.

Before you read further, I want to provide some disclaimers and plant a seed for you.

I have worked with parents from multiple backgrounds, cultures, and ethnicities for 13 years. I have yet to meet a parent who was not trying their best for their child. Through their own health struggles and challenges, every parent I have worked with has always expressed a desire to do better. That said, there are people who, through their unresolved painful wounds, do cause harm to others including their children. Everything I provide in the material below is not to shame parents or to assert that parents are not trying their best. Additionally, the information provided is also not meant to discount or minimize anyone’s pain from the wounds that they experienced from their parents.

It is vital that as you read further, you maintain the stance that everybody is human and not immune to the pain of life wounds, adversity, and trauma. I often say to my clients, “Very rarely does a person walk away from childhood without a wound of some kind.” With that, oftentimes the wounds of emotional neglect are unintentional and invisible, which increases the significance of raising awareness on this topic and how to repair from it if it has happened. Please read this information with openness, grace, and compassion for yourself and others who turn to you for emotional care and support.

What is emotional neglect?

Through my studies, training, and client work, the best definition I have seen for emotional neglect is “the consistent absence of not getting one’s emotional needs met enough”. This can look like a child not receiving enough emotional validation, attunement, and emotional support. This can also look like a caregiver not setting enough boundaries or structure and being permissive. In adult relationships, I have seen this to look like a consistent pattern of not being delighted in and valued enough by a partner or an individual not feeling supported enough in their growth and exploration by their partner.

Additionally, “enough” is a significant factor when determining if someone is experiencing emotional neglect. Every person is different and unique just like no two brains are the same. Everybody has a different threshold of “enough”. As a parent of three children, I have experienced first-hand how vastly different each of my children need support, validation, and reassurance. To know a child’s “enough” threshold requires time, mental, physical, and emotional energy, and attunement. Emotional neglect is often referred to as the invisible wounds of the things that did not occur enough in our childhood.

If you are wondering if you have been emotionally neglected, I encourage you to learn more about common adult behaviors that show up when you have experienced emotional neglect. Here is a helpful questionnaire: https://drjonicewebb.com/emotional-neglect-questionnaire/

How does emotional neglect show up in loving homes?

Dr. Jonice Webb is a licensed clinical psychologist who dedicated much of her career to studying and understanding the effects of childhood emotional neglect. She went on to write multiple books and articles about this topic.

In her book, “Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect”, she dedicates a chapter to discussing 12 different categories of parents who struggle to meet their children’s emotional needs consistently and enough. This ranges from “The Narcissistic Parent” to the “Well-Meaning-but-Neglected-Themselves Parent”. She also makes clear that there are a multitude of reasons why or how emotional neglect can show up in loving homes that are not listed in that chapter. Furthermore, Dr. Webb notes that many of these parents’ actions would not be considered abusive.

In my study of this experience, it became clear that a significant contributing factor of emotional neglect has to do with a parent’s inability to meet a child’s core attachment needs. Many trauma therapists, me included, often teach that because humans are hardwired to survive, they are also hardwired to attach to others. As infants, we know that we need the adults in our lives to fulfill our basic needs, which is why we cry. For us to survive, we need to attach to others and feel connected.

One of our core attachment needs is to be tuned into, to feel seen and known. Our parent/caregiver’s ability to tune into us is largely dependent on how much time they spend to learn about us, their stress level, and their overall health and well-being. When parents cannot give the time necessary to learn about their child or when parents are struggling with chronic stress and adversity or other health-related issues including mental health, it would only make sense that they would not tune into their child’s personal threshold of enough.

And with that, the foundation of emotional neglect begins to form.

“I have emotional neglect” or “I think I emotionally neglected my child unknowingly. What do I do now?”

If you have read to this point, I am proud of you. Take a deep breath. I always end on hope.

If you’re an adult who has now determined that you have emotional neglect, the first step is to begin allowing yourself to have emotions. There are no right or wrong emotions. We feel them for a reason, and they are quite helpful when we allow ourselves to listen to their messages.

Emotions are meant to be felt, but they are not meant to flood. It is a common experience to get flooded by emotions when a person did not have an adult co-regulating them through their emotions as a young child. If you notice that you are constantly flooded by the emotions you feel, seek out a trained or specialized therapist who can provide you with support in the areas of emotion regulation and distress tolerance.

Many survivors of emotional neglect need space to validate, process, and grieve their wounds. This is where therapy can help. Like I explained earlier, everyone is different, which means that everyone’s needs to thrive after emotional neglect will differ as well. I encourage you to seek therapy from a trained or licensed mental health professional who understands the deep and valid wounds of emotional neglect and can help you individually navigate your healing journey.

If you’re a parent and believe that you have unintentionally emotionally neglected your child, breathe and be kind to yourself. Seek out therapy to build the self-compassion and self-nurturing that is extremely necessary for any survivor of emotional neglect. You were likely emotionally neglected yourself, and you did not even know it. You likely repeated parenting patterns that you had justified as sensible because nobody taught you otherwise.

A genuine apology always helps, no matter the age of your child. Committing to doing different is also necessary. Holding yourself accountable to your own healing and progress will help you do different with your child and learn how to tune into them. Dr. Harriet Lerner, clinical psychologist, offers some helpful conditions for a true apology.

Conclusion

My parents were immigrants to this country, and when I was born, they chose farming as their source of income. I am the fifth child of eight children and was often left in the care of older siblings. In 2010, when I started my studies in marriage, family, and child therapy, I did not believe that I had a bad childhood. I knew that my parents tried their best and that if they could not be there for me, it was not because they did not want to. It was, simply, that their focus was ensuring that my siblings and I had stable housing and enough food to eat. But I always felt loved by them.

My studies also helped me recognize that, perhaps, I did not get my emotional needs met enough by my parents. But there was always room for growth, recovery, and healing. My journey led me to a place of peace and true acceptance for my parents’ life circumstances when they chose to have children, validation of my wounds of emotional neglect, and the end of a 33-year nail biting habit.

Change is always possible, and when you’re ready, I hope that you reach out.

About the Author:

Cindy Vang, LMFT

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #100531

• High Sensitivity/Sensory Processing Sensitivity
• Neurodivergent Affirming
• Infant Mental Health
• Trauma
• EMDR
• Children & Teens
• Play Therapy
• Attachment Oriented
• Bilingual, Hmong Speaking
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Parenting